Jennifer Roback Morse and Betys Kerekes
Jennifer Roback Morse and Betys Kerekes of the Ruth Institute offer advice on how to meet your life partner
We all want reliable love in our lives. In this, we are no different than people in any other time in history, despite the tatters of failed marriages all around us.
‘The One’ must be someone to whom you can be deeply committed. The first step is getting to a place where you’re ready for marriage and are marriage material yourself. You’ll want to take stock of any baggage or issues you may have and need to overcome. Next you need to figure out what kinds of behaviours you think you can or want to overlook or put up with in another.
Unfortunately, marriage discernment faces significant hurdles. Many people have already experienced so much relationship brokenness that they lack the conviction that real and lasting love is possible. Children of divorce doubt their skills for keeping a marriage going.
Conflicting signals
To make things worse, we receive many confusing and conflicting signals from society around us. Our culture has dismantled many of the ‘guardrails’ that used to keep people from making huge mistakes.
The good news is that finding and being a worthy person to marry is indeed possible. Our aim is to help you pick a winner, while at the same time helping form you into the best, most marriage-ready version of yourself.
1. Associate with people who share your values and interests
If your faith is important to you, church activities and young adult groups are great options — singles’ bars, not so much.
If your current group of friends shares your values and interests, they’re a great start for finding a suitable marriage partner. If they don’t, maybe you need a different group of friends.
2. Be friends first
Starting out as friends is an excellent, no-pressure way of getting to know each other without stress or expectations. If you discover down the line that you have feelings for each other, you can rest assured that it happened naturally. No one, yourself included, pressured you into it. You are dating for the right reasons.
We hasten to add: if you’re already friends and are becoming interested in one another, don’t be afraid to break out of the ‘just friends’ mold. Guys, ask her out. Girls, you can let him know you’re interested without coming off as pushy or aggressive. Invite him to go somewhere with you or to your house for a home-cooked meal. The point is to be brave. Don’t stay in the ‘just friends’ zone indefinitely if this person may be the one.
3. Go out with groups of friends
A group date can reduce pressure, enabling you to relax and be yourself. After all, your real self is who you want the other person to see. Group dates also mean less temptation toward inappropriate behaviour. When you’re surrounded by other people, those opportunities don’t present themselves.
4. Ladies: let him be a man. Gentlemen: be a man!
Ladies, we realise this is retro, but allow yourself to be feminine. Allow him to be a gentleman. Be grateful when he opens the door for you. Let him treat you well.
Gentlemen, we know this is so 20th Century, but make the first move. Take the lead. She’ll respect you for it. It’s okay to woo her. Start now with the romance. She’ll love you for it.
5. Remember that good looks are fleeting. Physical attraction is not enough to sustain a relationship
If you’re tempted by appearances only, you may have a problem in the marriage later on when your spouse’s looks fade. It may sound cliché, but it’s what’s underneath the surface that truly counts and sustains a lasting relationship.
6. Keep in mind that infatuation can mask itself as love
If you can’t get this person off your mind, that doesn’t prove your relationship is real love. Puppy love can be a lot of fun, but it doesn’t last. If you find yourself having intense feelings early in the relationship, try not to get carried away by them. Instead, step back and see how they stand the test of time.
7. Recognise that it is possible to fall in love with the wrong person
It happens all the time. Sometimes engaged couples break up. Sometimes they break up the day before or the day of the wedding. Remember that an engagement is not a permanent covenant, but marriage is. Don’t make the decision lightly.
8. When the relationship begins to get serious, seek the opinion of an objective third party, with emphasis on ‘objective’
Your best friend may be biased in your favour, too excited about the possibility of wedding planning, or simply afraid to tell you the truth. When you’re so gaga in love, can you blame him or her, especially if it could mean ending your friendship?
Find someone who knows you, loves you, and has nothing to lose by telling you the truth. Think parent or sibling. Resolve to listen to that person. Alternatively, ask yourself this: “If my best friend were dating this person, would I approve?”
9. Do not try to remake yourself or be defined by the person you’re with
If your personality is changing to better match that of this other person, he or she is probably not the right one for you. Take a break until you figure out who you are. Then you can figure out who you want to be with.
10. Do not be with someone for the sake of not being alone
This makes the relationship a selfish one from the start. Additionally, you’d be keeping yourself and the other person from being with whomever they are truly meant to be with. You’d only be setting yourselves up for a lot of hurt feelings and regret later on.
11. Ask yourself, do I feel at peace with this person?
This goes beyond a longing desire to be with someone, which is not a guaranteed indication of compatibility. When you are with this person, are you completely relaxed, with no nagging feelings of something not being quite right?
12. Does this person care enough to cheer you up or commiserate when you’re down?
Just as importantly, does he or she know and respect your preference, understanding that some people like the Pollyanna approach of looking on the bright side of a negative situation while some just want others to say “That really stinks. I’m sorry that happened to you”? Figuring this out now, and respecting each other’s wishes, even when they go against your natural inclinations, will be greatly appreciated in your future life together.
13. Is he or she a good listener? Am I?
Having great communication skills – both listening and speaking – will be crucial for lasting marital peace. If the two of you aren’t great at verbally sharing with each other, listening and responding, work on improving those skills now. You’ll definitely need them later on.
14. Keep your head. Guard your heart
Sometimes our imaginations carry us away into happily-ever-after prematurely. We may find ourselves forcing the relationship into the ‘perfect situation’. We can rationalise that the other person lines up exactly with our plans. Instead, relax and let the relationship take its natural course. That way you can let it end when it should, if it should.
Excerpt from 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person, reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.