Courtney McGrailDominic O’Reilly reflects on living chastely in today’s world
Dominic O’Reilly
There may be times in each of our lives when we will be asked to define our faith and the nature of love. “What does it mean to you to be a young Catholic?” I struggle with this question.
The primary reason for this is because it conjures images of an old romance movie which captivated an entire generation and contained the tagline, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I find this to be a terrible line as love surely means being able to say just that.
The second reason for my struggle is all to do with the wording of the question. Certainly I feel capable of giving an answer, and anyone who knows me will know I do not give a one word answer, but the struggle for me comes in defining my faith.
One does not simply define their faith as though it could be reduced to a simple tagline attached to your life. Real faith, for me, is one’s life in Christ and life is all about relationships.
Relationships today are a very different thing than they were not so many years ago. It has been said that now over 25% of relationships begin online through dating websites. I have to admit I’m not in love with this statistic but it seems entirely plausible.
Courtship
Gone are the days when a relationship was built up through a courtship. Gone too are the dance halls where many courtships began on the dance floor (which was actually used for dancing!).
At present there are over 50 million people all over the world using the online dating app Tinder. What does that tell us about the world at present and what we as a people are looking for?
Conversations about relationships can be a curious thing nowadays. Particularly the whole issue of sex and faith.
One of the things I find so strange is that it has become so commonplace to talk about sexual experiences with such triviality; it has become normal to see someone engaged in activity that we now take pictures on our smart phones and post them online for all to see.
The person in the picture is then mocked and ridiculed. We talk about our sexual conquests with great ease, and then when we see the other person involved we are immediately embarrassed and look for the nearest escape route.
Something about this does not sit well with me; it is a recipe for disaster. It is a recipe for many broken hearts and indeed broken lives. Suicide rates among young adults continue to escalate.
The strangest thing for me about this new attitude towards sex is that while such trivial references are now entirely acceptable, to talk about abstinence or that dirtiest of dirty C-words, chastity, is a no-go area.
We simply hang a sign over these concepts reading ‘Do Not Disturb’. Even should we find ourselves talking to the most (apparently) open-minded person, if we mention chastity we see mouths hit the floor.
Once the shocked person has regrouped they may react in a number of ways: they may get so awkward that they leave the conversation immediately, they may find it altogether laughable or downright stupid, or they may be genuinely interested and want to know more.
The issue of chastity is one which needs a serious conversation in society. We need to debunk many myths associated with living a chaste life, beginning with how there is nothing wrong with chastity! There is nothing wrong with not having sex until you are married.
For me, authentically Christian relationships are a way of looking at the world. Those living such a life make an attempt to recognise the divine in every person they meet. When we attempt to see the people in the world not as potential sexual conquests but rather as reflections of the face of Christ then we gain a new respect, appreciation and love for these people.
We also see that as fellow members of the Body of Christ each of us plays a vital role in the life of each other. Every day becomes a gift, and every person a treasure.
Such apps as Tinder actively encourage us to prejudge someone based on their appearance. In reality we see that it is not how a person looks that matters, or what brand of clothing they wear, but rather, how they respond to our love for them whether as a friend, colleague or boyfriend/girlfriend etc.
Myth
There is a myth that the chaste life is one we have been coerced into, as though our Catholic guilt has taken hold of us and we cannot explore the joy of sex outside marriage. In reality, chastity is a gift of grace from God. Gifts are freely given, must be freely received and cannot be repaid. A gift is after all an act of love and no financial figure can be attached to an act of love. No price. This gift is a grace.
To live a chaste life is to recognise God’s love at work in the world and to truly appreciate the gift of sex as being for reproduction and to bond a couple together and to bond them to God. In reality we need to show respect for those who are actively living this life and just as with any person we care about we must make a conscious effort to pray for them.
At the end of the day it all boils down to love. In my mind love is the act of giving of oneself for the good of another, grounded in Christ. Before Sunrise is one of my favourite movies. In it the two main characters discuss the nature of love, and the girl Celine says the following: “But loving someone, and being loved, means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?”
Isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little bit more…I agree with that. That’s all we’re all searching for really, all of us, and there is no one on this earth who is incapable of love.
We were created out of love, for love, to love but because the way someone else is searching for love is different to the way we do, we look down upon them. It’s ok to not understand someone else but it is another thing entirely to not respect their hearts desire.
Learn to see Him in every human person you meet. Learn that we are all mirrors of God; we are made in his image and likeness; from the woman trapped in prostitution to the Pope himself.
None of us are any different. We’re all struggling with the same questions, doubts and all trying to find love. We’re all trying to find God. If you want to find him then all you need to do is pick up a mirror.
The Lord is waiting for each of us in many places and many faces. Each of us has a vocation to live out. This is what real love is; the giving of self completely, unconditionally, for another: God, in other people. This is where Joy is found! In love!
In loving Christ, and in loving other people! At the end of the day if you cannot learn to recognise Christ in other people how will you ever see him in yourself?