Colm Fitzpatrick
Arguments tend to arise at Christmas so try avoid them before they ruin the day, writes Colm Fitzpatrick
Movies and adverts tend to idealise Christmas day; it’s thought that families come together to exchange hugs, presents and kind words in a charitable environment of love and understanding. The only tiffle there might be is over who gets more turkey on their Christmas dinner.
However, this image of a family get together during the festive period isn’t based in reality. Family units are complex and while it would be nice for siblings and extended relatives to get along all the time, this is rarely the case.
The Church is acutely aware that families face immense struggles. In 2015, Pope Francis quipped: “Families have difficulties. Families – we quarrel, sometimes plates can fly, and children bring headaches. I won’t speak about mother-in-laws.”
Christmas time is fertile ground for unresolved tensions to flare up given that it’s probably the only time the whole family has been together during the year. A day that’s supposed to celebrate kindness and generosity can be reduced down to hours of endless bickering, and in more serious cases verbal or physical abuse.
Indeed, a YouGov survey of the British population last year revealed that one in three people expect to have an argument during Christmas. The most popular reasons for a family dispute in ascending order are:
- Long-standing family tensions
- Sibling rivalries
- Money
- Games/family activities
- Drinking too much
- The cooking
- Politics generally
- Brexit
- Someone’s future plans
- Other
- The food itself
Given that there are so many reasons to argue over the Christmas period, it might feel futile to make an attempt at preventing it. Although giving up and accepting the fate of the day is tempting, there are ways to avoid family disputes ruining the special day.
Bite your tongue
One of the most effective ways to have a peaceful Christmas is to speak to family members separately before they all come together on the day. If you have a sneaking suspicion that a particularly tense issue may be raised around the dinner table, inform those who would be responsible that talking about it is off the cards. If they’re coming to your home, remind them that’s your house and you’d like them to respect your wishes. During the conversation, emphasise that you’re not taking sides but simply want to steer far away from a discussion that could potentially create division. If you speak in an understanding but firm tone, then the chances of an argument on the day will be significantly reduced.
Beware of booze
Irish festivities are notorious for excess alcohol consumption and this practice is especially prevalent over the Christmas period. There’s no harm in a glass of wine or a swig of eggnog but drinking beyond your limit is a recipe made for disaster. Numerous studies have shown a strong correlation between violent crime and too much booze – and in an environment where a high proportion of people are drinking, the chances of conflict drastically increase. Those who don’t normally drink throughout the year may also be pressured into consuming more than usual leading to out-of-character behaviour. If this prospect worries you, try to keep alcohol availability down to a minimum and pour fizzy drinks instead.
Rent, don’t rant
With the whole family in the house for Christmas, the place can quickly become very cramped whether it’s because of your brother’s snoring that you’ve forgotten about or the make-shift sofa that you’re losing sleep on. A lack of personal space can leave the sanest person irate, ultimately killing the Christmas mood. If it’s an option for you this year, try renting a house or hotel room close by so that you have your own base to return to at the end of the day. Not only should it reduce the chances of a Christmas squabble, but it will also take the pressure of your hosts to accommodate you.
Kitchen control
The phrase goes: “Too many cooks spoil the broth” – and this advice couldn’t be any truer during Christmas. The festive dinner is one of the highlights of the day, leaving immense pressure on the chef or cook to get it right. To make this huge delicacy, all of the kitchen space is needed, so make use of other rooms in the house and avoid the cooking space completely. That’s not to say you shouldn’t help out – it’s important to ask the chef(s) if they need assistance. Even setting the table can alleviate the stress of those who are preparing the dinner. By creating an atmosphere where those carrying out a particular duty can do it freely and peacefully, there’ll be a smaller chance of an emotional outbreak.
Relax
Christmas is a rare time in our calendar where we can take a few days off and celebrate the year gone by. During this time, it’s vital to switch off, forget about work and be grateful for all that you have. By letting go, you’ll feel more relaxed and less on edge. If you suspect that an argument or issue of conflict is beginning to brew, step outside and take a deep breath. If what you have to say isn’t helpful, constructive or kind, then it’s probably best that you say nothing at all. In this way, you won’t be goaded into making a comment that you could later regret.
Christmas can be a stressful time for many reasons, but family feuds don’t have to be one of them. This year, take the right steps towards making sure the festive holidays are a positive experience for everyone. While there may be unresolved tensions in the household, Christmas is not the time for fights or arguments. In fact, the Christian celebration reminds us to forgive and reconcile with one another. As Pope Francis said last year: “My thoughts go in particular to the families who are reunited in these days: may those who live far from their parents return home; may brothers and sisters strive to be together again… At Christmas it is beautiful and important to be together as a family.”