Maria ByrneA parent’s perspective
I know my mother was well meaning, but finding out that the card with the cute purple fluffy bunnies and the pink hearts wasn’t really from some “secret Valentine” was a bit of a let down. I think what started as a really kind gesture to her eldest daughter left my poor mother in a bit of a dilemma.
Any teenage girl who believes she has an unnamed admirer will leave no stone unturned until she discovers the brave lad’s identity. Realising that, no sense of normality would be restored until the truth was out, my mother reluctantly revealed that she had penned the pretty card.
Looking back, I feel sorry that the whole plan backfired and that, instead of a delighted daughter who could boast of her Valentine, there was a sulky sullen teenager who was unhappy about the sudden mundane explanation for the mysterious romantic Romeo.
Awkward
If I’d had any sense at the time, I would have realised that the average awkward teenage boy isn’t really into these grand gestures and that love messages from a stranger are few and far between. I do remember being quite a romantic soul myself.
In a former life, I worked in the medical field. One particular St Valentine’s Day, I decided to express my heartfelt admiration to a doctor who I’d admired from afar. Leaving a card in his hospital mail box, I made the big mistake of using a green biro having to hide my beetroot face as he searched all day for “the girl with the green pen”. He never did find out the truth; I was far too shy to say hello, never mind admit to my bold expression of appreciation.
Having three daughters myself, I always notice that extra little bit of interest in the mail around St Valentine’s Day. The build-up to the celebration of love has become quite a commercial enterprise. In Britain, it’s estimated that £1.3 billion is spent in connection with the day, £262 million on flowers alone.
With all the hype, is it any wonder that a girl feels that she deserves a piece of the action. I’m sure while boys might not be as obvious, a fair few of them have high hopes as well. How can parents sooth damaged egos and hurt feelings when the postman walks on by for yet another year? Maybe there will be a Valentine’s card or message, but with some rather risqué lines and suggestions or there’s unwelcome attention that a child finds embarrassing and difficult to deal with.
One year, my second youngest daughter received a lovely hand-made card-disproving the generalisations about boys. Apart from the fact that her elder sister wasn’t too impressed that she’d missed out, she was mortified. She was quite upset that what she thought was a friendship had been viewed in a different light by this young boy.
I’m sure many teenagers would be surprised to learn that St Valentine’s association with romance is tied up with legends about him and how he married young couples in ancient Rome against the will of Emperor Claudius.
The Shrine of St Valentine, in Whitefriar Street Church in Dublin, houses a reliquary containing his remains. The shrine is visited throughout the year by couples who come to pray to Valentine and to ask him to watch over their lives together. February 14 is a very popular day with a blessing of the rings for those about to be married taking place at various Masses.
Visiting the shrine with a loved one seems like a lovely custom to incorporate into the other more typical St Valentine’s Day traditions. It also places the focus back on the concept of love and romance being inextricably linked to some hopes of a future marriage.
While children as young as 11 and 12 are mourning their lack of a Valentine, a parent should be more relieved than disappointed that their pre-teen or teenager isn’t rushing too quickly into an exclusive one-to-one relationship.
I came across a fantastic teenage blog titled “Yes, I’m Single and Yes, I Celebrate Valentine’s Day”.
The writer described how every year she found herself somewhat disappointed on St Valentine’s Day until she came to the realisation that she didn’t need to spend another year hoping Prince Charming would appear just in time to invite her out on February 14.
She didn’t need casual hook-ups with boys that, while superficially thrilling, would end up with her being hurt and denied the kind of love she deserved. She was going to focus on becoming the sort of woman that she was created to be and, in time, she hoped that a special person would come into her life.
Too much focus on romance when a child is still only stretching his or her wings can end up being quite constraining.
A young teenager doesn’t need to be discontented because of their single status on Facebook. Being young, free and single is what they’re supposed to be. Instead of bemoaning the fact that St Valentine’s Day didn’t live up to the expectations, encourage your teenagers to get together with friends, watch some cheesy romantic movies while digging into Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream.
You might even suggest a prayer or two to St Raphael, the patron saint of finding a future spouse.
They might laugh, but I bet they’ll say it anyway.