Wendy Grace
Q: My boyfriend and I have been going out for five years. We are both in our early 30s. I want to get married but he says he is not ready. How do I encourage him to take the next step, without giving him an ultimatum?
A: Perhaps I would give a different answer if you were 10 years younger and dating for a shorter amount of time. But, at this stage in your lives you know yourself and what you want in a relationship better. There should be no need for encouragement or ultimatums, simply communication and a decision on what is the next step.
The first question you have to ask yourself is, why do you want to get married? Is it because you are together for five years and you think it is just the logical next step? Or, is it because you are ready to lay your life down for this man?
The next question is, will your boyfriend ever be ready? What sort of a future does he see? Can you afford to waste time when you might have different expectations for marriage and family? Certainly you have been together for enough time, but what have your intentions been during that time?
The danger, after this amount of time together, is that your relationship is likely getting as intertwined as that of a married couple, holidays together, seeing each other every day and you are probably closer to one another than anyone else.
One of the problems with long term dating is you are becoming like a married couple, without actually being married. So what is he afraid of?
It is time to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about what you both want, what is holding him back and if you can’t do that after five years together…Well that might just be your answer The important thing here is to open the lines of communication and share what both of you are thinking and feeling.
Don’t be tempted to turn this sharing into a badgering or pressuring argument, you need to get to the root of the problem before you decide what’s next.
Intention
The key here is to talk and find out what is he not ready for? Given you have been dating for a significant amount of time, does he not have a plan? Is he dating you with the intention of marriage or just leading you on? Someone who says they are not ready to settle down at this age and stage I suspect either may never be ready or simply isn’t with the right person.
You might need to reassess if you really want the same things, marriage is daunting, it’s scary to say yes to be forever with someone, but the reality is with the right someone it’s still a huge step, but an exciting adventure you leap into together.