Michele Howe
Aging is difficult and caring for our elders is a skill many people are never taught, writes Michele Howe
In all honesty, the first time our family was suddenly made responsible for caring for someone we loved, we didn’t do a very good job. We did, however, learn a lot. Some years later, we had another chance to serve an elderly family member we loved dearly, and we put to use the lessons we had learned to do a better job – and what a world of difference that made (to us and to our loved one) the second time around.
The irony in caregiving is that to do it well, we need practice. Lots and lots of practice. Though it sounds rather callous, the hard truth is that unless we do something time and time again, we can’t master the skills required to do it effectively. This theory applies to serving those we love no matter what the individual circumstance looks like. It really didn’t matter how much passion we put into serving when we first attempted to take care of our elderly relative – and in all honesty, we did our heartfelt best. We stumbled, we fell, and we routinely came up short in the process. Looking back, it was disheartening.
Our story began about 10 years ago when we were suddenly (and quite unpreparedly) thrust into caring for our elderly neighbour/relative.
At that time, my husband and I were still parenting our four teenagers and life was hectic.
Between running around to our children’s never-ending events and caring for their ongoing needs in the home, I felt I couldn’t have taken on any other responsibility large or small and done justice to it. But the Lord had other plans (doesn’t he always?).
We had spent the last 27 years of our married lives settled in the country (in my husband’s grandparents’ home) and we loved it.
As folks who value the wide-open spaces, we also treasured the fact that we had only one neighbour and he was a gem.
Neighbour
Bill, my husband’s elderly second cousin, was an only child, as well as a lifelong bachelor with no children of his own. He was also our neighbour and had pretty much adopted our four kids as his own grandchildren from early on. He was an honest-to-goodness genuine farmer, game hunter/fisherman, live-off-the-land type of guy.
Bill was independent, self-sufficient, and had loads of friends. We loved him. Our kids loved him. Bill was always there if we needed anything and vice versa. It was a very companionable relationship that we shared.
Bill’s health remained robust until he turned 70. Then during the next five years, he was in and out of the hospital more times than I care to remember.
This once healthy outdoorsman contracted seemingly every major illness under the sun. It all started with colon cancer, then diabetes, then Parkinson’s, then open heart surgery, and then another cancer. Add to these the personal (and lingering) indignities of almost constant urinary issues that required catheters, and you can imagine how difficult it became for this once proudly independent man to handle his health problems and continue to live in his home alone.
Aftermath
In the aftermath of each of Bill’s health crises, we took on different roles in caregiving for him. At first, Bill’s primary recovery from his first cancer surgery was spent in a rehab facility. We were close enough that we visited him almost daily. Between my husband and me, we took care of his home, his dog, his bills, his medicines, his groceries and so on. After each recovery, Bill repeatedly returned to live in his own home, even though at times this wasn’t the safest of environments for him.
Back and forth, between the hospital and a rehab/nursing home, Bill rallied from one illness to another for five painful years. Then, during a relatively minor medical procedure, Bill passed away quite unexpectedly in the hospital. After he died, we did a lot of reflecting about what we did right and what we did wrong. In truth, there were more ‘wrongs’ than ‘rights’.
When I say ‘wrong’, I mean that some of the caregiving choices we made out of inexperience and naivete caused much upset in our marriage and in our immediate family.
In our desire to help Bill, we neglected to think through other possible options that would have prevented burnout on our part and still met his needs. We did ‘right’ in wanting to help Bill the best way we knew how, but we did ‘wrong’ in some of our methodology.
The Lord, however, sometimes gives us second chances for do-overs. Several years after Bill passed away, we found out that my father-in-law, James, was ill. I still recall sitting at the after-funeral dinner for my husband’s grandfather when my husband’s father announced that he had been given the dire news of esophageal cancer.
Too quickly, James was in daily radiation treatments, and attending a myriad of doctor appointments, all while his pain level escalated rapidly.
As we grieved what we knew was coming because he had been given only a few months to live, my husband and I took stock of the all the mistakes we had made with Bill and tried to choose more wisely this time around.
Born of our prior exhausting experience, we now had knowledge and information to better prepare a smoother caregiving plan for my dying father-in-law.
Responsibilities
Thankfully, as soon as the family heard the news of his illness, everyone offered to help divide up the caregiving responsibilities. Nobody had to take on the solo role of ‘hero caregiver’ and manage his care 24/7.
Rather, we all did our part, and I truly believe James rejoiced in the amount of attention and love he received during those last precious months of his life. He passed away a brief five months after being diagnosed, but during those final weeks, I saw a formerly fearful man transformed from the inside out.
As I was able to spend a good deal of time in waiting rooms with him, I even now consider those last conversations we shared as some of the most precious in our over 30-year relationship.
God was able to pack much love, goodness, and healing into those months. Maybe one of the most lasting treasures is that we all recall those moments with him without any of the regret that had tainted our last memories of cousin Bill.
Let’s be honest: aging is difficult for everyone. Older people lose their independence, physical strength and mental acuity, and often their emotions lack their former stability.
All in all, it is hard to age, suffering a multitude of declines. It’s equally hard for their younger family members to watch it happen and feel helpless to lessen the impact of their family member’s suffering. But God is there for us.
Through it all, in the low times and in the high times, God draws close to give us exactly what we need to cope with that day’s specific challenges.
He never leaves us on our own to handle life’s toughest days. Like every other season in life, the Lord wants us to embrace these challenges with confidence that he will be with us, strengthen us and enable us.
Extract from Caring for our Aging Parents with permission from Hendrickson Publishers.