For people who enjoy Christmas, this is a magical time of year. For those who remember or who are having a sad or painful time, this is not the most wonderful time of the year. Yet, because there are festive decorations and messages all around us, there is a pressure to be ready and to be really happy no matter what.
Conflict and tension are hard to avoid if they are real. In fact, not facing or naming conflict or tension is to ask for a lot of trouble.
Parents who live apart have to work hard to build and then maintain a cooperative relationship. At Christmas this is challenging, because we are asked to put aside differences and live, even briefly, out of the best part of ourselves.
Christmas brings into sharp focus the best and the most difficult parts of our lives. It is a time laden with memories and an emotional response to those memories. Any adult who can recall something sad about Christmas as a child, will know that memory is not lost easily.
I think it is a good thing to be honest about conflict and tension and name it to yourself first. If you can, name it with your co-parent and if you cannot do that, at least make a start by telling a friend. You need to be absolutely clear that you cannot hide conflict or tension from a child.
Argument
Children do not have to see an argument or hear sharp words to feel conflict. The human body has an instinctive ability to absorb emotions which then becomes something that we feel quite physically. Think of what happens to your body when you feel joy or happiness. Notice what happens when you feel sad or angry. These are not things we think or feel somewhere vaguely. A felt sense is something that happens in our bodies. Even infants pick up that felt sense and this impacts on their mood and behaviour.
It is naïve to think you can make it all go away for Christmas but you can make it easier by being honest with yourself and then with your co-parent. Of course that is a hard thing to do and it needs support and agreement. Parents almost always want what is best for their kids. I do think that sometimes conflict can make even the best of us lose sight of our better selves. This is especially true when a conflict is not being addressed and where hurt is very raw.
It sounds a bit simple but it is important at times of conflict to consider your job as a parent. It is first and foremost about making your kids feel safe. Your duty is to be bigger, stronger, wiser and in control. This also means being as self-aware as you can so that your difficulties do not overly interfere with you doing your very best even in stressful times. If you can make a decision to then let the best in you speak to the best in your co-parent, you can help make the reality of conflict less burdensome. That may sound like a tall order because conflict is still there, but when it is named and talked about, it does not have to be avoided.
Honesty
Children appreciate honesty. In my experience, long before a child is told that mam and dad are not getting on, they already know it. Thinking about it often worries them deeply. When children can see their parents making big efforts it is more reassuring than just telling them you are doing your best. When parents can tell a child that they are having a hard time being nice to each other but they are trying to fix that, it does not make the child stop worrying but it does help them to see that parents are trying to solve the problems. When a child can notice that in how the parents speak and behave when with each other, that is even more powerful.
No parent can ever predict the future for a relationship that is having a hard time. Yet, parents remain parents always. During childhood years, it is so important to get that right. Conflict is not something anyone wants, but it is a reality that has to be faced. For children to thrive, it is important that parents ask what is best for our kids right now.
If you are living apart, it is a good idea to have a plan for how you share presents and time over the season. Try to do some of that together and try, at least, not to compete with presents. Family traditions that we have from our own childhood may need to be rethought for new situations. Conflict demands that we think flexibly to problem solve. Give and take is necessary, but it should begin by first asking what is best for our kids and what do we need to do to make that happen.
*Dr Colm Humphries is a clinical psychologist based at Philemon in Maynooth, Co. Kildare.