Parenting Matters
Over the months that I have been writing this column, I have touched on a number of matters that support the ideal of positive parenting practices. Readers will have observed a theme that focussed more on parents sharpening their own awareness of what happens in the way they interact with their children.
One of the joys I have in working with families is that my own view of the world is regularly affirmed. Most people are good. Most parents do their best, which is often excellent. Most children are cherished. I always tell children that the most important rule in the world is keeping kids safe. It is a simple statement but one that strongly reassures children that their safety and wellbeing is the most important job for an adult.
All of us know that life is not like that for every child and the promise of safety is sometimes shattered with hard consequences for children. It is my experience that children are amazingly resilient. Even those who have hard experiences of neglect or harm tend to do very well when safety is restored and the right help is in place. I have been humbled so often by the amazing strength that children display when adults do the right things to help them become their very best selves.
Responsibility
Adults have a big responsibility to make sure that they do the right thing by a child. This is particularly true of the parent. Each of us has our own values and ideals. Most people want their children to affirm their own view of the world. Parents can find it difficult to see their children espouse a view or value that is different to their own.
Yet the task of a good parent is to lovingly guide their children to independence and freedom to think and act for themselves. It is no easy thing to become mature. Mistakes are made along the way. Children learn from their own mistakes and they also learn by how their parents handle mistakes.
Even negotiating rule changes for 16-year-olds can be a chance for parents to say that they were wrong and should be more relaxed about certain things. Kids love to see their parents willing to acknowledge that they may need to rethink as circumstances change.
I think we are lucky to be at a time when we live more easily with difference and diversity. Children who grow up to have good relationships with themselves, their families and others, have a much better chance of doing so when parents are able to let a child be their true self and feel surrounded by love to help them achieve that.
There is no perfect child. I worry when parents or children expect perfection. I often think that my own mother’s skill was that she knew what love each of us needed and we were all so different. She made mistakes and she still, as an older lady, wonders about some of those moments. I love that about her. I remember once, when I disappointed her greatly, a friend said, “Colm, everyone knows that your mother adores you”. It made a difference to feel that after disappointment gave way to understanding and acceptance. Children with special needs need a lot of love to be as independent as they can.
Children who grow up gay need a lot of love to know that they are completely valued. Children who get into trouble and make mistakes which put them at odds with authority, need their parents to love them completely.
It is so important for child development to ensure that mistakes are not so punished with judgement or shame that it makes overcoming difficulties too hard a challenge.
Shame is destructive and makes people feel worse about themselves.
Most children who make mistakes feel bad enough. It is so much better to challenge what you do not want to see in your child, without adding punishment to your loving guidance and correction.
If you accept that the most important rule in the world is keeping kids safe then you might consider that it the job of protecting them from shame or fear is as important as keeping them safe from predatory adults or sinister influences. The wonderful thing is that what happens at home is still the best predictor of how a child will grow up.
Great task
This is the great task of parenting. It is not an easy job but when a parent tunes into an awareness of how a child reads the parental reaction, there is every reason to hope that you will see the world with your own child’s perspective in mind. Doing that is perhaps the best way to ensure that your own bias or thinking does not get in the way of helping your child to grow up to be the best she or he can be.
It has been a privilege to share some thoughts with you these past months. Thank you for reading these words and I hope they have helped a little.
Dr Colm Humphries is a clinical psychologist based at Philemon in Maynooth, Co. Kildare.