Maria Steen
The View
In addition to dedicating this year to St Joseph, Pope Francis has announced a special year dedicated to the family, beginning on St Joseph’s feast day, March 19. A year dedicated to the family is wonderful news: but how should it be approached and celebrated?
Despite what the world tells us, it is marriage that is the linchpin of the family, and it is to marriage that we need to direct our attention.
Young people have already been conditioned by society to postpone marriage until as late as possible, if not to reject it altogether. For those who do choose it, it is a capstone on their relationship, rather than the foundation stone. People are marrying later, usually after they have achieved educational and career success, often after dating or co-habiting for a lengthy time.
This is borne out by OECD figures which show that the crude marriage rate in Ireland has dropped dramatically from its high point in 1973 of 7.4 to 4.6 marriages per thousand people in 2017. Meanwhile, the mean age of first marriage has increased from 26 for women and 28 for men in 1990 to 32 for women and 33 for men in 2015. In the same year, 6.6% of people marrying were previously divorced. While proponents of divorce often comment on how low our divorce rate still is, they fail to mention that it doubled between 1998 and 2008. In summary, fewer people are getting married, people are marrying later, and divorces have increased. To that cultural background, add the fact that fewer couples are choosing to marry within the Church.
Difficulties
Being conscious of those whose marriages are in difficulties first requires acknowledging the factors that have led to that sad state. We are all products of our culture, and the culture around us is decidedly anti-marriage – or at least anti-Christian marriage, which is to say the life-long, faithful union between a man and a woman that is open to new life.
Referendum
Although it may not appear to be so, it was the divorce referendum – not that on same sex marriage – that effected the more significant change in the societal understanding of marriage. Once the idea of marriage as a life-long union was rejected, it was just a matter of time before the whole idea of marriage as an institution unravelled. Christian marriage is by definition life-long – this is a fundamental and central feature of the Sacrament. If the commitment you make on your wedding day can be broken at any time, for any reason, then it ultimately means nothing at all. Once that commitment was deprived of its meaning, marriage could mean anything. No longer life-long, no longer faithful, no longer for the purposes of pro-creation, no longer between a man and woman.
Against this background of a growing disregard of marriage, many young people have been affected by negative experiences of marriage within their own family. So then, how do we encourage and give hope to people that not only is a life-long, faithful marriage an ideal worth striving for, but more importantly, that it is possible?
First, we need to encourage people to marry younger. The knitting together of two lives to form a new family calls not only for commitment, but the kind of compromises that are needed to build a life in common together. This is easier – for most people – when they are younger, before they have become accustomed to their own way of doing things. Marriage is better regarded as the foundation for a life together, rather than as a final flourish after lengthy cohabitation, when professional goals have been achieved. This approach allows a couple to grow together from young adulthood to maturity, building a life together. Marrying young also addresses the biological reality of sexual maturity, and the fact that while not impossible, it is certainly extremely difficult to expect most people to live in perfect chastity until marriage if that happens much later. For couples to marry young however, they will need help of the material as well as the spiritual kind, and this is where the Church as a whole, needs to get creative about providing supports to allow young families to flourish.
Proclaim
Second, the Church needs to proclaim – without apology – that marriage is the ideal. The beauty of Catholic marriage, including the joy of true sexual intimacy, needs to be extolled. This is not an act of insensitivity to those who are not married, but rather an act of charity, to give hope to those who are not married that the ideal is possible. This also encompasses providing marriage preparation that actually challenges couples in their understanding of sex and marriage. Couples can get society’s views on sex and marriage free gratis anywhere at all; when they come to the Church for guidance, they should hear something else. Many marriages break down because couples genuinely did not understand what was required to make a life-long marriage work.
Third, if we want people to make Catholic marriages, we must acknowledge our minority status and, as other religious traditions do, provide opportunities for people to meet.
Fourth, for those who are already married, we need to protect and foster their marriages, in turn encouraging their children to view marriage in a positive light. This means offering ongoing retreats – and counselling where needed – to married couples by people formed in the Faith and committed to the ideal of marriage. It also means listening to the testimonies of couples who are committed to each other and to the ideal of marriage as to how they try to live out their faith within marriage, how they have negotiated difficulties, and what has helped to make their marriages strong.
Finally, if, as the Catechism states, marriage is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring, then couples who actually want to educate their children in the Faith need to be supported. This need is perhaps the most urgent of all. This might be done by providing at least one authentically Catholic school in each diocese, or by providing supports for homeschooling families. Unless children are formed in the Faith, it will die, leading to fewer vocations to the priesthood and fewer lay people committed to lifelong marriage in the next generation.
Marriage provides the roots to anchor the family. When marriage flourishes, so too does the family, and so too does the Church.