Wendy GraceThere are many groups in Ireland where married couples are ministering to other couples in support of their vocation, writes Wendy Grace
One of the key themes following on from the Synod of Bishops on the Family was the formation of married couples. Many of the discussions focused on better marriage preparation before the wedding. What was also highlighted was the need for married couples to accompany one another throughout their marriages.
Of the 18 married couples that contributed during the synod many of them were involved in ministering to other married couples, especially those who might be in difficulty. The synod has suggested many practical ways in which married people can support one another. The good news is that many of these structures are already in place in Ireland.
For example, I am involved with a group that is led by lay couples and supported by the Faith and Family Centre. We meet every month or so for ‘couples time out’. The priest supports us by giving us a space, celebrating Mass and contributing to our discussions. But it is the couples that provide the main support for one another and at the start of the year, we, as a group, decided the topics that would be useful for us to discuss.
The group is made of a wide variety of couples, some are married two years, and others are married 20 years. Some have no children and others have seven! My husband and I have found this hugely beneficial to our marriage. One of the key reasons for the success of this group has been a solid spiritual foundation and a willingness of all those involved to be open and vulnerable with one another.
Each month a different couple gives a talk reflecting on their own experiences on particular topics. The talks blend the practical with the spiritual looking at issues such as dealing with the extended family and achieving a balance between you as a couple, the kids and work. One of the best parts of the discussion is afterwards when people talk openly about their own experiences. The first time I attended an evening, I remember being so moved by couples who would openly discuss issues and practical things that helped them during difficult times in front of people that they had never met before. Why? Of course, it was a safe space and a prayerful environment, but also the knowledge that this would not only enrich their marriage but others too made it easy.
In recent weeks, I spoke to some Catholic married couples about their suggestions, experiences and about some of the groups they are involved in that help them in their married lives.
David, who is married a little over a year to Jackie, says, “meeting regularly in an informal way, to talk to people going through the same challenges is important, otherwise you can feel isolated without the support of others in a similar situation.
“I also think couples can help each other in small ways by, for example, taking turns in babysitting each other’s children so a couple can get out for the all-important date night. I think so many problems are caused simply because a couple isn’t getting enough quality time together.”
David feels practical advice is needed for newlyweds. “Couples who are more experienced can help in giving support on practical issues, like what to expect when having children, working out your finances and making the transition from the single life into suddenly living as a duo. I think there needs to be more courses promoting marriage and unashamedly proclaiming the beauty of marriage and promoting it in a positive way.”
One important consideration for Phil, who is married to Ivana for 13 years, is that the Church needs to identify couples that are authentically Catholic. “One blind guide leading another blind couple is an obvious pitfall. Faithfull couples need to find ways in which they can share with other couples in a down to earth and a practical way, where they can address issues like family planning and showing that following Catholic teaching is challenging but ultimately rewarding.”
Rob has been married to Anne for 25 years and they are part of a Christian community, the Community of Nazareth. Rob explained to me how being part of the community has supported and strengthened their marriage and family life. “We actually moved across the city to be part of the community. Our children were our motivation, we knew that having a built-in peer group would encourage our children to live Godly lives, where they could find support amongst their peers. For your kids to be doing well is a huge part of the overall strength of your marriage. In the community we have been connected with other families who are trying to live out their faith, we support one another.”
Rob feels that a good move forward in supporting and strengthening families would be focussing on children’s ministry. “Parish-based initiatives aimed at teaching and growing the Faith in children is vital, it has to be more than just playing table tennis in a youth club. I think we could learn a lot from other Christian traditions.”
Life-changing experience
I spoke to Eugene Smith who is involved with CANA, which runs six-day marriage enrichment programmes for couples. They also have small groups of married couples throughout Ireland who meet regularly to support one another. “For myself and my wife, CANA was a life-changing experience. The whole idea behind your week away is rediscovering and strengthening the love you have for one another.
“Then joining a local fraternity is what continues that support that is so vital. Over the years, the main thing we have seen with couples stuck in a rut is that when they are given the tools they need in order to communicate better and when they make the time for one another both to relax but also to pray together, their marriage is completely transformed.”
Aishling and Paul are married a year and a half. They are members of an Orthodox church which has a system in place to support marriages both as couples prepare for the big day but also as they journey together from it. “You have someone that sponsors your marriage, it is kind of like Godparents for your marriage,” Aishling explained. “Sponsors are another married couple who can support your marriage. We have gotten so much support and practical advice. One thing that really stuck with me was never to keep any secrets in your marriage, it sounds so simple, but telling little seemingly harmless lies always becomes bigger. With our sponsors it means we have a couple we can really trust, they are outside our immediate circle of friends and family, so you can really open up and be vulnerable about any difficulties you might be having. We know we can call on them if we are ever struggling. It is kind of like a safety net.”
Aishling thinks that there is a lot of pressure on couples to put across the perception that everything is perfect in their marriage. “If you ask a couple who are married 50 years, I don’t think they could honestly say it was 50 years of bliss, there would have been ups and downs and in the end it is worth it. If we are going to authentically live out our faith within our marriages then we have to take away the pretend veil of perfection we sometimes wear and be honest with friends and help and support one another through that sharing and that honesty.”
One thing that the synod highlighted was that Christian marriage in itself is a counter-cultural vocation. It is that uniqueness in our marriages that in and of itself can be a witness, but we must recognise that it is not easy and we have to continuously maintain and nurture marriages.
There are already communities, groups and initiatives in Ireland that we can be a part of and help grow, and things like this can ultimately help us to fulfil our mission in the family.