Wendy GraceAdultery can shatter a relationship to its core, but it is possible to emerge from that pain as a stronger couple, writes Wendy Grace
I remember just before my wedding contemplating the enormity of the vows I was about to take. For better or for worse. Do we really think about the worse before we take that walk down the aisle? Do we ask ourselves can we suffer with this person, perhaps through illness, financial difficulties or loss?
Perhaps some of these things we do contemplate, but nobody prior to marriage wants to ask or imagine the outcome of a spouse being unfaithful. But infidelity is a reality. We are imperfect and we make mistakes, sometime grave ones. We should however take comfort in what the sacrament of marriage offers us, the supernatural grace to survive all the turbulence that can be thrown at a marriage.
The online world has added another sphere to infidelity. Although an online sexual or emotional encounter may not involve physical contact, it is being unfaithful. Many may try to convince themselves they aren’t really cheating on their spouse.
Whatever type of infidelity has occurred be it virtual, or otherwise, it can wreak havoc on a marriage. Not only does the injured spouse have to deal with the pain and betrayal of unfaithfulness, the unfaithful spouse has to deal with guilt and shame. Healing a marriage affected by infidelity can take years. Restoring a marriage broken by cheating requires genuine remorse from the guilty spouse. Forgiveness is paramount in order to allow healing. An important step is to recognise that you will be taking things one day at a time.
But where do you start with knowing how to cope with infidelity? First and foremost the affair has to stop. The offender needs to be truthful and end the affair. Keeping infidelity a secret can be more toxic to a marriage than when the affair comes to light.
A recent study from the University of California and the University of Washington found that couples who came clean about infidelity had much higher chances of staying together.
The study also found that when couples stayed together after five years their levels of marital instability normalised. What does that tell us? Cheating can of course be devastating, but not for the long haul. Yes the road to reconciliation may be long and difficult, but ultimately your marriage can survive and thrive.
You have to accept that there will be ups and downs after an affair. The road to recovery has twists and turns, and that is normal.
When the infidelity is first revealed it is important at a time of pain not to make any major decisions regarding your marriage. You need time to reflect. You have to force yourself to take care of yourself and have balance, eating healthy, getting enough sleep and regular exercise. Don’t try and go through this situation alone. Your children need to know that everything is going to be okay. They will know that you are going through a trauma.
People often find that after an affair they go through a similar process of grief as they do when they experience a death. Don’t try to suppress your grief or to run away from it. Instead you need to let yourself fully experience grief in order to move on.
You might find yourself going through the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. They are part of the grieving process. An affair creates a divide in your relationship. The divide that you are grieving is your marriage before the affair and you are now entering into your marriage after it. You need to grieve and then you need to start again.
An important step is engaging in open and honest communication so the task of putting the marriage back together can begin. There needs to be a real willingness to make promises and commitments about the future. The person who had the affair must be willing to be open and communicate about why they had the affair.
New foundation
It is now up to both of you to rebuild a new foundation. You need to examine what you can each do to rebuild the connection and what actions you need to change.
Trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships without the effort to rebuild your trust within your marriage, the hurt and damage caused by infidelity can run deep. You will need to work on trusting your spouse, but also trusting God within your marriage.
For example, you can start to rebuild the trust by taking small steps and being consistent. The person who has been unfaithful needs to do this. Starting small means, being on time, being honest and doing the things you say you will. You need to communicate clearly, and accept that your spouse will want to know your schedule in great detail. Try and do simple things, like one nice gesture each day for your spouse.
A huge part of surviving infidelity is your response to the situation. You must make the shift from feeling like a victim to a survivor, like light dispelling the darkness. You must make a decision on this, you must decide your marriage is no longer a victim, it will survive. You need to give up the ‘should have’ mentality in order to move on. Trying to forgive is the first step to actually forgiving.
Once you have made the decision to reconcile it is important not to play the blame game. When it comes to marital conflict it rarely is solely one spouse’s sole responsibility. Each of you must be willing to take responsibility for actions which might have contributed to the situation.
You need to have realistic expectations, rebuilding trust will not happen overnight. You need, as a couple, to look to the underlying problems that caused the affair in the first place. Once the affair is over you have an opportunity to fix what was wrong in a way that can actually make your marriage better than it was before. This does not, of course, excuse the affair or the harm caused by it, it simply seeks to find the underlying problems and fix them.
Finding ways to rebuild your marriage through intimacy is of utmost importance. You need to dedicate time to spend with one another, with just the two of you. With this in mind it is also important to create an atmosphere that eliminates outside interference. After all, your wedding vows are to your spouse, not your best friends or your mother. Your spouse needs to know that they come first.
I would of course recommend seeking help from a professional councilor. A mediator can guide you in the right direction and help you get on track. Both of you must want to fix things. You are a team and you need to work together to move forward.
Marriage weekend
Why not enlist yourself in a marriage weekend? Groups like Retrouvaille regularly hold weekends to help couples find hope and healing within their marriage. Accord also offers a counseling service across 55 centres in Ireland. It would be good to also enlist the help of a priest that can guide you in a spiritual recovery of your marriage.
The road to reconciliation may be difficult, but nothing is impossible for God. Infidelity, of course, can shatter even the strongest relationship, but with the support of family, friends, prayer and a good councillor it is possible to put it behind you and even though it is hard to imagine, you can emerge as a stronger and happier unit.
Steps to reconciliation
· The offender must be truthful and end the affair
· Recognise that you will be taking things one day at a time
· Don't try to suppress your grief or to run away from it
· Engage in open and honest communication
· Rebuild trust by taking small steps and being consistent
· Trying to forgive is the first step to actually forgiving
· Dedicate time to spend with one another