Bairbre Cahill
Advent feels like a good time to be thinking about parenting. We are conscious of Mary and Joseph – parents to be – their expectation, their anxiety, the advice coming from all sides, the whispers in the background about Mary’s pregnancy, the prospect of a long journey with Mary heavily pregnant.
As well as being a parent, my work life also revolves around parenting. I am the coordinator of a community-based hub which offers parents information on the supports, services and events for families. I also coordinate parenting programmes around the county and deal with parents on a one to one basis when they get in touch looking for advice, information or simply a listening ear. Unfortunately, the funding for my role runs out at the end of this month and at this point in time there is no certainly that a solution is going to be found. It is a situation being replicated around the country, people involved in what is called ‘Early Intervention and Prevention’ work live precarious lives, unsure whether their job will exist in six months’ time.
Early Intervention and Prevention is about helping parents to be equipped with the skills they need to parent in a positive and confident way so that challenges are dealt with early on and don’t evolve into more complex crisis situations. Sometimes when I am talking about the work I do, including the parenting programmes, people say: “Why is any of that needed? Sure, didn’t we all just get on with parenting without courses and programmes? What is wrong with parents now?” I understand the question but I also understand that the parenting landscape has become more complicated.
One of the biggest struggles parents have – and I have seen this in parenting programmes I have facilitated – is to put consistent boundaries on children. We live in a society where choice is everything, where we expect to be able to do what we want to do. That can leave parents very conflicted about saying “no”, to their children. We are also excessively busy. Both parents are under pressure to be out at work. The expectations we have for our lifestyle often cannot be funded on just one wage. Our children are over scheduled with after school activities. Indeed, I have seen many a query on Facebook for ‘activities’ for 3 and 4-year-olds. Free play has become a rarity, with children expecting to be entertained but this is robbing them of opportunities to develop their own imaginations, try things out, take measured risks, learn from experience and grow in resilience.
Social media – and children in national school have access to smart phones – is linked to rising levels of anxiety in children. There is a world open to them which they do not have the emotional maturity to deal with but this is an area where parents feel most powerless to say “No, you aren’t having a phone yet” or to put strict limits on what children and teenagers can do online and how much time they can spend online. Consistent, nurturing, assertive parenting is a skill which often needs to be developed.
I’ve been involved again recently in parish meetings for parents whose children are preparing for sacraments and again I am impressed and encouraged by the feedback from parents. They see a clear role for faith in giving their child a sense of direction in life and the importance of Jesus and his message as a role model for that. I certainly believe that faith has been a solid foundation for Danny and I, in raising our own children. That line from the prophet Micah, resonates: “This is what God asks of you, only this, that you act justly, love tenderly and walk humbly with your God.”
I do not think our society values parenting enough. Whatever we do in life, there is little that has more impact on society than the nature of the children we raise.