Wendy GraceThe unique marital bond is not meant to be compromised by parents or siblings, writes Wendy Grace
When I did my pre-marriage course, I have to admit when the section on ‘Family of Origin’ came up it wasn’t something I had really heard of before or something myself and my husband had discussed in much detail, yet it turned out to be one of the most important topics we talked about and it is still relevant to us today.
So what is it? Family of Origin is the family you grew up in, your parents, siblings and other extended family who might have strongly influenced you, such as grandparents. When you get married you create a new family, we take much of the blessings but also the baggage from our family of origin with us. You have to understand how your upbringing might affect your new family, and also will likely have to make some tough decisions on doing certain things differently.
Yourself and your spouse didn’t just drop into each other laps, you have been shaped by the family environment in which you grew up. You might not realise it but you will view your partner, sometimes, through this lens, which has been crafted and cracked by these experiences.
You are a product of the rules and worldviews you experienced in your Family of Origin.
You have to become aware of your prejudices and perceptions of the world and in doing this identify areas that might not be useful in your current situation.
You need to separate from your childhood so you can fully invest in your marriage. You will then build a new shared identity and your intimacy will grow, while setting boundaries that respect your autonomy. Perhaps you are still ‘enmeshed’ with your family, tangled up in each other’s lives without even realising it.
You have to allow yourselves to be who you are together, combining family backgrounds into a new system, that you create and build together.
Differences
You will find many differences in your marriage to that of your parents, some big, some small, some you might argue about but eventually you will have to reach a compromise.
Being aware of this helps you not to repeat negative patterns that you may have experienced. It is important to take what you have learned about family, life, love and conflict so you can understand how this influences your marriage.
Getting to this point isn’t easy as you have to sit down and discuss openly and honestly and talk about how your family has influenced your life both positively and negatively. The Bible tells us that: “For this reason, a man (and woman) should leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two should become one flesh.”
This is the unique bond between a husband and wife, not meant to be compromised by the relationship with their parents or siblings. Of course, working on and maintaining relationships with our respective families is really important. But you still have to set boundaries, your primary relationship is with your spouse. First comes God, then your spouse, then any children and then your Family of Origin.
Many people struggle with the idea of leaving their Family of Origin and cleaving to their spouse. And, of course, many families of origin struggle to ‘let go’ of how things were and your new reality now that you are married. It isn’t just that we leave the family home, it is that they are no longer the primary source of emotional support in our lives and this can be a period of adjustment.
Unresolved issues from your upbringing can have a huge effect on your marriage, so you have to explore this together. In order to start doing this, the key is to respect the differences that each of you have experienced, this is not about a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way of how you were raised, it isn’t about attacking the other’s experiences, but understanding them so you can grow together.
Of course, our family networks need to be a constant support but they are not meant to be a controlling factor in your married life.
A good start is drawing on your childhood memories looking at the strengths and weaknesses of your parents, how your parents praised you, criticised you and let you know that they loved you. This will help you start to uncover some of the positives and negatives you experienced helping you better understand what you want to avoid and what you want to imitate.
The marital roles that your parents played will influence you. Did your mother manage the household budget? Did your parents communicate about money and is that what you want in your marriage? When you are self-aware of these things, then you can make decisions together. Were your family always late for everything and now you seem to be too? How can you change that? You need to celebrate all the good things that you are bringing with you, leave behind the bad, and in many areas you will have new ways of doing things.
It also helps your partner to understand why you might react in a particular way to a situation. For example, if your mother was always very critical of how you dressed, this might be an area that you are very sensitive about. Communicating these things with your spouse can also be quite healing allowing you to move forward into the present.
Influence
Some other important areas to discuss are: Do you rely too heavily on your parents in decision making, so your spouse’s influence appears to them to be unimportant.
Do you look to your parents instead of your partner to get your emotional needs met? Are you sharing with your parents things that should only be shared with your spouse?
You need the freedom to make your own decisions. Of course it’s good to get advice but are you getting unsolicited wisdom? One spouse might always ask for advice, the other might never discuss decisions with their parents, you might have totally different habits here. So what is the balance you will strike? In what areas do you want your parents involved?
Other areas to discuss include the aspects of your familial relationships you admire and what elements do you not want to imitate. How did your family communicate and how did your family resolve conflict and make decisions?
Perhaps you witnessed conflict between your parents, maybe one spouses family always dealt with conflict through rage and anger leading them to believe that bickering and shouting are normal forms of communication when they are not.
While another type of family might have never discussed anything, so issues constantly were swept under the carpet to avoid conflict altogether. How will you choose to handle conflict in a healthy way? You might have to challenge your current understanding of communication and grow new better habits together.
What are the things you would like to change? What role did faith play in your family life? What boundaries do you want to set with in-laws? How will you handle celebrating birthdays and special occasions. We have to relate to both of our families with a healthy sense of balance. So how will you make these decisions, together is the key.
Be gentle but open to one another. You have to help your spouse understand the dynamics and the politics of your family, especially in areas both of your families handle differently.
Remember a marriage is the coming together of two hearts, two individuals’ hopes and fears, two sets of opinions and two sets families, two of everything. Now you have to bring all of those things together, not for uniformity but to create unity within your marriage and with one another.