Colm Fitzpatrick
Colm Fitzpatrick explores relationship abuse in Ireland
With 40% of those women who experience domestic violence first experiencing it during pregnancy or soon after childbirth, it is clear that relationship abuse is a crisis in Ireland.
Domestic violence appears in many shapes and sizes which can range from verbal and emotional abuse to sexual and physical abuse. Usually an abusive relationship includes a mixture of derisive activities, which at times can be difficult to identify.
In order to combat this phenomenon an Irish charity is reaching out to all women to give guidance on when a relationship has turned abusive, and advice on how to deal with this type of situation.
COPE Galway, a local charity which provides outreach services, recently launched a new booklet, ‘Parenting in the Context of Domestic Violence’, as part of a global awareness campaign concerning violence against women. It covers topics from talking to children about domestic abuse and how to manage contact and access with a non-cooperative ex-partner. It also explores coping mechanisms and strategies for mothers whose parenting has been undermined through abuse.
Speaking about the release of the booklet, Ciara Tyrrell, Senior Childcare worker of COPE Galway, told The Irish Catholic, “A familiar and common thread was that after women had separated from their partner because of abuse, the abuse did not end – because of access visits, texts, and court appearances. The abuse actually continued and the women still felt like they were being controlled.
“Another theme was the parenting part. Parenting can be really stressful for a single parent and parenting in the context of domestic violence can be extremely difficult, especially with children in the middle of it all.”
Details
Ciara explained due to these situations women asked for support, even down to the tiniest details such as: “What should I specifically say to partner?”
The book is a result of listening to women in an abusive situation who highlighted the parenting struggle after separating. It was developed by COPE Galway Waterside House who consulted with women on the Waterside House Service User Refuge Forum (SURF). Their hope is that by sharing both their experiences of parenting in the aftermath of an abusive relationship and by outlining what worked for them, they may be of some help to women going through similar experiences.
“The book is by women for women”, explained Ciara. “There’s lots of direct quotes from women and really practical tips. The how to say, the what to say, and the what to do. It’s very easy to read.”
Prof. Pat Dolan of the UNESCO Child and Family Research Centre, NUIG, who wrote the forward for the booklet said, “This booklet is both welcome and timely in that it firstly outlines the challenges and solutions of trying to parent well while living with domestic violence; but also, its authorship includes those with first-hand experience”.
Not only is information readily available from the booklet, but COPE Galway also provides refuge accommodation, information, support and court accompaniment to women and their children experiencing domestic violence. There is an Outreach service for women in the city and county who are in abusive relationships and who need support and information on their options.
This outreach service is particularly important because of the myths that surround domestic violence and also the fear that many women experience in this type of abusive environment.
“There’s a huge trust issue. Some women will come into the service and say ‘I’ve walked past this door so many times and something has pushed me to come in’”, said Ciara.
Situation
“They’ve been living in the situation for so long that an abuser has worn them down. They think that they might be over-reacting. The abuser may also tell them that if they speak out, they’ll make the situation more difficult.”
COPE Galway has been providing social services in Galway since the 1970s, and employs over 100 people in a wide variety of roles including social care professionals, childcare workers, community support workers, chefs, cleaners and administrative support staff. The employees are supported in their work by a committed team of over 150 volunteers.
“There’s more awareness now. We are really pushing the awareness so that people are more informed about our service and will come to it,” explained Ciara.
Not only are partners affected by abusive relationships, but children are also impacted in the cross-fire. This may express itself through emotional problems like depression, behavioural outbursts like aggression or even physical illness like vomiting. Often children find it difficult to convey how they’re feeling about the abusive dynamic and as a result demand more parental attention, which can come in the form of bad behaviour. Ciara also pointed out that many parents also seek support with situations like family events such as birthday parties, where children can get upset with the presence of an abusive parent.
“Children are affected emotionally and socially. Some children are very resilient and they have other supports in their life,” explained Ciara. “However, some children internalise it a lot, and find it difficult to say what is going on. Sometimes they even blame themselves.
Communication is key. As difficult as it is, children know what is going on so you need to communicate with them, and check their feelings. They need to know that the abusive relationship is not a result of something they’ve done.”
Through COPE Galway, children are provided with a range of supports including one to one support, therapeutic play and play therapy. If a child is considered to be in danger, a Social Work Department will be notified to keep both parent and child safe. This type of support can help ameliorate negative behaviour a child is exhibiting by laying out boundaries and also help them realise that they are not culpable in creating or developing the abusive relationship.
Christiane Blodau, Service Coordinator at COPE Galway Domestic Violence Refuge Service commented that one woman said, “I did not realise how much my child blamed herself for what happened. It was only years later that it all came out. You have to reassure your kids that it was never their fault”.
COPE Galway are able help women and children in these challenging situations and help pave a path forward to end cycles of abuse. By recognising that domestic violence is a crime and an abuse of human rights, the charity remains steadfast in its vision eliminating the structures in society which lead to abuse by providing temporary accommodation, supplying information and respecting the autonomy of each woman.
Although it can be difficult to realise the extent to which domestic violence can affect one’s life, it is vital to identify it so that the first steps can be made in addressing it. For those who are unsure as to whether it is an element in their relationship or if fears are inhibiting action, Ciara believes that seeking support is the best step forward.
“Seek support and come and talk,” she says. “We provide a 24-hour confidential service. Nobody here will judge and nobody will make decisions for you. In fact, some women just want to come and talk and get emotional support.
“Open your eyes to what is really going on. Some women use our service a number of times before making up their mind and taking action. Others learn how to cope and deal with it. Everyone is different”.
For more information about the new booklet, “Parenting in the context of Domestic Violence” and domestic violence in general, see: http://www.copegalway.ie