Renata Steffens
Youth Coordinator Rob O'Hara Interview by Wendy Grace for The Confession Box – Episode 24
Keeping a life of Faith is not always easy, sometimes we will find ourselves doubting the Church truth and living a secular life. But the way back to God is always there, it is just a matter of accepting Him back. The youth coordinator for the Diocese of Armagh, Rob O’Hara is an example of finding the way back to God.
Mr O’Hara talked with Wendy Grace, on episode 24 of The Confession Box, about his life, his experiences of drifting away from God, his experience of loss and how he found his way back to Church life.
Was Faith something that was always important to you, or was it something that you were brought up with?
It was crucial growing up for me. My parents were hugely devout. They were daily Mass goers, and I was brought along. And then we pray the rosary every single day. My mom lived by Fr Peyton’s motto that “a family that prays together stays together.”
I had a real personal, close relationship with Jesus growing up as a young lad as well. I saw Him as my friend. As I was an only child, I really developed a deep friendship with Him. He was someone that I would share my troubles with and talk to when I was at Mass and include him in my life and then my activities going forward and whatever I was doing as a young lad, playing football, [going] to school, whatever it might be. He was real. He was very, very real. Faith was a really huge part of my life growing up.
Were you able to keep your Faith, or did you find yourself falling away for a period of time?
Sadly, as I got older, I’d say when I hit around 16/17, I could see that Faith, religion were not seen as cool things to talk about and I wanted to fit in. I started finding excuses not to be at home to pray the family rosary, and I cut out of getting to Mass, except at the weekends on a Sunday. I’d always be trying to avoid it and just doing my utmost to push it away so that I could fit in with my peers.
Was the peer pressure or that feeling of ‘nobody else is doing this, I want to fit in with them,’ the thing that was pushing you away?
Yes, a lot of my friends were like, “why did you do that?” Or “why you didn’t?” You get sceptical looks. I started going, “all right, I’m not going to talk about this anymore,” and “I’m going to blend in rather than stand out.”
I took myself into absolutely everything else, from sport to socialising, to going out. Everything else took precedence over my Faith. At that time, I was making sure I kept my popularity with my peers.
What happened in college then? What sort of choices did you make at that part of your life?
I won’t dismiss my colleges years. There’s a lot of fond memories I have from college years, and I made a lot of good friends in college. But I threw myself into the social scene in college in a major way.
I’d be the first to be breaking out into the alcohol and having a great time with all of them and leading the charge to the pubs and nightclubs thereafter. I really threw myself into that whole party scene.
I did well in college, I got through and I got my qualification for accountancy and everything at that time. But then, money became a big part of it, making the money and making sure that I had a lot of money in my bank and in my pocket.
And so that coupled with popularity and socialising, they became the most important thing in my life.
How were you feeling deep down? When you get the time to think and you got the silence, were you satisfied?
No. And the word I’d use is ‘empty’. No matter what I filled it up with, I always felt there was this emptiness. I couldn’t fill it up enough. I kept trying to take more of the world, more social, bigger jobs, whatever it might be.
Everything to try and fill that emptiness, and nothing, absolutely nothing could fill it. Now, it’s important to stress that even at this time, I went to Mass every Sunday.
Was it a slow journey back to Faith, or was it a kind of a light bulb moment for you?
I’d say it was more a case of that niggle never went. I remember telling friends on nights out, “there’s nothing to this. I’m getting fed up with this, this means nothing.” And I used to think I was crazy. I went to Mass every Sunday, but I’d be the first out the door that bit of the priest had finished, and I’d be picking up a paper during the homily. I’ve done everything now that I would abhor.
But I met a young married couple that were there at Mass with their young family, and they saw me and, they said, “you’re a young person, maybe you’d like to come to a prayer meeting?” I nearly laughed at their faces, I was like, “not a chance.”
My friend turned to me, and he looked me straight in the face and he said, ‘Rob, you have given absolutely everything a go. Why are you fighting this so hard?’ That’s what hit me, ‘Why was I?’”
But it kept niggling then, that invite that they offered me wouldn’t go away. And I remember being out with my friends, one of my closest friends at the time. We were in the supermarket going to a house party and, as usual at that point, I was buying a good amount of alcohol. I was in the queue behind, as it happened to be, the husband of this couple.
He turned around and I made small talk with him, and I made excuse after excuse as to why I hadn’t gone to the prayer meeting, even though he never brought it up.
There was this moment I will always remember. My friend turned to me, and he looked me straight in the face and he said, “Rob, you have given absolutely everything a go. Why are you fighting this so hard?” That’s what hit me, “Why was I?”
My friend, he does not remember saying that, and he’d have a very good remembering. I know God used him in that mode. I know that 100%, that He used him at that moment, to do that.
I started reflecting on “why was I fighting it?” Why, when I gave everything else a go, was I so resistant to this? I plucked up the courage to went to a prayer meeting. It was ‘Pure in Heart’ in Donnybrook.
When I went in, I was brought back to what I had known as a young boy. That was Jesus, truly present right there. That I turned my back on Him, I walked away from Him, I had ignored Him. Someone who had been my best friend and still was my best friend for so many years.
I can never thank God enough for what he’s given me, and it’s such an important part of my life now, to be there for Jesus and to give Him time and to remember that He is my best friend.
He showed time and time again why He is my best. He’s helped us so many times. He helped me meet my wife, He’s helping me raise our children, and He’s helped us in some difficult moments in our life as well. He’s constantly there, and there’s no one who can ever argue with me on that.
Were there times where you’ve been angry at God or questioning Him?
No, I would never get angry at him. I get probably maybe frustrated at times, but I wouldn’t get angry at him. Because I always see God and me, in the context of my own children.
I have to have complete trust and faith in him. There’s been so many adventures that God’s brought me on since I’ve just been open. And I was able to meet my beautiful wife, Bernie.
When you were “I think my vocation is to get married. But no eligible lady had come along.” How was your trust shaken then, or were you just kind of steadfast hoping and praying?
No, I suppose that would be one of the moments where I was frustrated at times where I would just say, “Lord, why?” I knew my heart desired to get married. I knew I had discerned the priesthood. I knew it wasn’t for me.
There would have been times where I would have been frustrated, but then I would have been taught patience.
So, you met Bernie. How did that happen? And how did you know she was the one?
I knew fairly quickly. I met her, we were doing a ‘Youth 2000’ retreat in Navan. I was the regional leader at that time. I was going around, making sure everything was running smoothly, and Bernie was in the music ministry.
I walked across the hall and Bernie was leading the praise and worship. She was singing one of the songs to the Lord, and I could see her, she was looking at Jesus in the Eucharist, and she was singing her heart out, and I just went “what? I really want to get to know her.”
Tell me about the time when Bernie was pregnant with twin boys. What happened?
We got the great news that Bernie was pregnant with twin boys, Jacob and Joseph, and it was very exciting… Everything was fine.
We knew hope was limited, but we had hope because we had hope in God, and God can do anything”
And after Christmas, Bernie said, “something’s not right”. We went up to the hospital, they did scans and they discovered that the amniotic fluid around the boys was draining. There was a tear in the sac, and there was very little they could do. Bernie and I prayed. We had complete Faith and complete trust in God but were open to His will.
For a week, that led up to one of the boys went home to Heaven.From that Monday to the Saturday, we had a real sense of joy in us. We knew hope was limited, but we had hope because we had hope in God, and God can do anything.
Did it shake your Faith? Or did you just turn to God for comfort?
I’d say a lot of people out there would get angry or question God at this time and get frustrated. Say “I did so much for you, and you’ve let this happen” and so forth. But no, I was brought to the passage of Job, “the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
And it was in that prayer in Job where I got my strength. I understand completely what Job meant, in that scripture passage. And for me, it got true because I relied on God, and it got Bernie through.
We were able to hold them, they were 18 weeks old, that was a blessing. We were able to give them Christian Burial. It was another blessing from God. Also, our witness in the hospital, God used us for that because it was a week after the abortion laws had passed and abortion was now operating in the hospital.
The fact that this is now not just a maternity unit, but also abortions are happening too, and they struggled a bit, and they were amazed to see the hope that we had for life and how we fought for life. We fought to try and save them. And the hospital fought to try and save them. And they really joined in. And it was a joint effort to try and choose life and fight for it.
And we said, “Jesus, if it’s out of your holy will for them to go back to you, then we won’t fight it. We’re not going to be resistant. We’re not going to be angry. We’re open to your will”, and the next day the boys went home.
How does your Faith help you in your marriage? And as a dad, just kind of in the practical and the everyday?
I’m not perfect on this by any means, I am human. When the kids do something wrong, I can lose it, but I try not to. The Lord teaches me, I might mess up too, as a parent. And I’m brought back, and God teaches me how to be a better father to my daughters. And then I look at him under how to be a good father. I look to St Joseph, and I pray to St Joseph how to be the best father I can be for my family.
Tell us about your work. The challenges and opportunities you face.
I love it. I absolutely love it. There are challenges to everything, but I think sometimes people are too quick to write young people off, that they’re not interested, that they don’t want to know, or they’re indifferent.
I’ve not found that is the case. In a group, there may be one or two, but for the majority that’s not the case. A lot of young people are searching, and they want answers, they want the truth. They don’t want to be fed a load of nonsense. They want to hear the truth.
So going around at my job and meeting those young people, doing little projects and retreats, or talks on various aspects of the Faith and dialoguing with them, allowing them to ask their questions and giving them the freedom and the space to be able to do that without repercussion, I found that a lot of young people are so open to the Faith, and that it’s not as dead as it may seem.
How do you communicate? By giving your own personal experience?
I don’t think you can open a young person’s head and pour the catechism in. That’s not going to work. They’re not going to take it in, they’re not going to understand it. But when you personalise it, journey with them, talk and explain to them, gradually bringing: “this is why the Church teaches this, this is where Jesus talked about this. This is why Jesus wants us to live this way”.
I think that’s what we as the faithful have to see as well, that the Church is not dead. It’s very much alive and it’s going to keep working”
A lot of the time young people know what the Church teaches, but they don’t know why. It’s bringing them to that. We think at times, “young people aren’t interested in the Church anymore, and we’re following them off,” but they are interested, we are taking the easier route out of not giving them the explanation as opposed to going, “let’s do this.”
I think the Church is making great strides now. The bishops are great, they’re prioritising youth ministry. They want to build it up and they want to engage with the youth, they want to show what the Church is all about. That’s fantastic, it gives hope.
I think that’s what we as the faithful have to see as well, that the Church is not dead. It’s very much alive and it’s going to keep working.
All the superficial secularisation and consumerism is there, but they have it and they know it’s meaningless. That it’s only temporary, it only lasts half an hour before they’re looking to move on to something new again. There’s nothing more tangible than having a faith in God and knowing that He’s there and that He’s constant.