Ruadhán Jones
Men are often forgotten victims of domestic violence writes Ruadhán Jones
Lockdown brought issues of domestic violence to the fore, with social distancing measures restricting victim’s access to help, support and refuge. Consequently, Gardaí and abuse helplines reported increases of between 25-33% over the lockdown period.
The majority of domestic violence victims are women and one in five women in Ireland experience domestic abuse. As a result, when we think of domestic violence, we tend to think of a man being abusive to a woman – we don’t necessarily think of women being abusive to men.
But as Andrea McDermott of Men’s Aid Ireland told The Irish Catholic, domestic violence against men is also common, with one in seven men experience domestic abuse. As with other domestic abuse charities, Men’s Aid noted a significant increase in the number of calls they were receiving, in some cases between 100-150% per day.
“We’ve gone from maybe 15 calls a day to 25, to 30,” Ms McDermott explains. “Overall, we saw a 33-40% increase – we’ve had over 2000 calls since the lockdown in March.”
The lockdown period was hard on all victims of abuse, men and women alike. Due to social distancing measures, access to friends and family was severely reduced and the possibility of escaping in emergency situations was similarly affected.
“For men, there are no safe beds or refuge centres in Ireland,” Andrea explains. “So what men will do in order to get out of the situation is go to a friend’s house or to a family member for a night to let things settle down and come back to the house the next day. During lockdown they couldn’t do that due to social distancing.”
A number of men called Men’s Aid’s helplines from cars and parks, any place they could escape to in order to make contact. “There was literally nowhere else for them to go,” Andrea says.
Underreported violence
Though 1 in 7 men experience domestic violence and despite the increase in calls over lockdown, it is largely unreported as only 5% of men come forward. “That means that 95% of men who experience abuse don’t report it, that’s a significant figure,” says Ms McDermott.
One reason is that men don’t talk about their relationships as frequently as women and so these issues don’t come out. But the main one is the stigma attached to male vulnerability.
“I think it’s back to the stigma again,” Ms McDermott says. “You know, men are supposed to repel violence, men are supposed to be the ones in the home. Men are supposed to be stronger.”
These stigma often prevent men from coming forward, as these signs of weakness leave them feeling unmanned and emasculated. It becomes a vicious circle – the abuser says the victim is worthless and the victim begins to feel that way. To admit the abuse seems like admitting the abuser is right.
Ms McDermott believes that it’s important to break down the stigma regarding male vulnerability, especially in relation to domestic violence.
“It’s really about getting rid of that stigma that domestic violence is only a man being violent against a woman,” she says. “A lot of times they don’t realise it’s happening. Many times they just want it to change, believing that one day it’ll stop.”
It is one of the reasons that Men’s Aid was established, to provide a resource for men to come to terms with their experience. “It’s to let men and family members know that they can call us at any time, that’s what we’re here for, to support them, to give them as much help as possible.”
The types of abuse
Physical violence is most commonly associated with domestic abuse, but it can take a number of different forms, including psychological and emotional abuse. For men suffering abuse, it often takes the form of the latter two. A large proportion of the people who call Men’s Aid report emotional abuse, Ms McDermott says.
“The first thing they’ll talk about is the constant emotional abuse, the put downs – you’re a useless father, you don’t earn enough money, who else would have you, if you leave no one else will take you. That kind of thing daily and it really affects their mental health.”
Men also suffer from physical abuse, but Ms McDermott explains that they are typically reluctant to talk about it. The focus instead on wanting their partner to change and to help her so that she will stop.
“They don’t want to leave the relationship, all they want is someone to help her, to make her stop doing this,” Ms McDermott says. “You might say is there violence and they’ll say, ‘aw, no not really’. By the end of the call, they might say, ‘well, she has slapped me a few times, or she’s hit me with an object, or she throws things at me or I have had a black eye’.”
Ms McDermott also points out that domestic abuse isn’t just between spouses, it can also be instances of “family violence”. Family Violence is where the perpetrator is a member of your family who you reside with, i.e. adult child to parents, adult sibling, parent to adult child, or IPV (Intimate Partner Violence, regardless of whether the couple are married, reside together or have children).
Signs to look out for
Domestic abuse takes quite a toll on the mental and physical health of its victims, but that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to recognise for friends and family. By its nature, it is often private or deliberately hidden – but as regards violence against men, there are a few things to be aware of.
“We’ll get a parent calling us who say, since they met this person, they’ve changed, they’re no longer going to family events,” Ms McDermott says. “They have to answer the phone 10-20 times when they’re with family members or they’ve stopped going out and meeting them all together. Maybe they’ve lost weight… they may have become very withdrawn or gone into themselves.”
These can all be signs of domestic abuse, particularly when taken together. More obvious signs, such as cuts and bruising, public verbal, emotional or psychological abuse, such as put-downs and shouting.
“It’s about keeping an eye on if they completely change when they meet somebody,” says Ms McDermott.
What you can do
There are two perspectives to consider this question from: the victim’s; and the victim’s friends and family. For the victim’s support network, as it were, the main advice is to provide support and not to try and sort things out yourself.
“I would definitely suggest that you do not tackle the partner,” says Ms McDermott. “What can happen if you go talk to them is that the person being abused will get it even worse.”
Ms McDermott also advises not to tell the victim to simply “get out of the relationship”. There are many reasons that someone will stay in an abusive relationship, such as concern for their children or perhaps because they’re in love.
“When somebody opens up to you, believe them, listen to them, let them know that you’re there for them, give them whatever information you can,” says Ms McDermott. “All you can do is be there for them, hope that they’ll come to you and that they’ll do something about it.”For victims, Ms McDermott advises talking to someone and having a contingency plan should the situation deteriorate.“Sometimes just talking is enough for somebody to get the ball rolling,” Ms McDermott says. “We would talk to them about making a safety plan, if they needed to escape the house, that they’d have the Garda number on speed-dial or they have left a spare set of car keys with the neighbour next door. They need to make themselves and their children a priority.”
Men’s Aid Ireland, formerly Amen, is a dedicated national service supporting men and their families experiencing domestic violence. They operate a number of services, including helplines, outreach centres and counselling services. They can be contacted on 01-554 3811 or by email Hello@mensaid.ie.