Maria ByrneThe need to reconnect
Having six children, five still living at home, my daily schedule is pretty full. Family life often revolves around the needs of the children, whether it's dropping teenagers to a sleepover, reassuring a seven-year-old who feels her life is “like a trap” because she has to do a page of sums or scraping paint off a door, “helpfully” decorated by an enthusiastic four-year-old.
I think most parents share my desire that their children experience a happy childhood, enjoying a range of activities, having some good friends whose company they enjoy and receiving all the support they need to become happy, well-balanced adults.
Sometimes, we can be so passionate about our children, their worries, wants and needs, that we can forget about that other, uniquely important person who deserves our attention, concern and love. Sadly, in all the busyness of family life, it's the stressed out mother or father whose requirements are often placed on the back burner.
Dire warnings
I came across an article recently that issued a stark warning about how summer holidays can kill off a marriage. It attracted my interest as I couldn't imagine how a time that's meant to be enjoyable and fun could elicit such dire warnings. What the article really described was the drip, drip effect on a marriage when couples stop looking towards each other and are constantly absorbed with anything other than their relationship.
It can take something dramatic to make a spouse see that they've failed to truly focus on the one they promised to spend their life with. It could be a partner's struggle with depression or other mental illness, a health scare or a redundancy.
Just a few weeks ago, I got a bit of a wake-up call when my husband had a particularly high blood pressure reading. Fortunately, after some monitoring, he was given a clean bill of health. It did focus my mind though. Having a pretty active imagination, I'd practically had him dead and buried. Just the thought of him not being around anymore made me appreciate just what a great husband and father he really is. I decided there and then that, no matter what was on the children's agenda, there would be time set aside to focus exclusively on spending some quality time together as a couple.
It a pretty cliched expression that old habits die hard, but when you've always included your children in everything, it might feel a bit selfish to carve out a little ‘we time’. In my own experience, even a young child can be taught that mum and dad need a bit of space every so often. Older children and teenagers will practically push you out the door when you announce your intention to go out on a date night. Parents need a little time to reconnect, and children are only too happy to have grandma over with her plentiful supply of goodies.
Money doesn't need to be an issue. I had a lovely trip recently to a nearby wood. As well as enjoying a brisk, energising walk, my husband and I brought a picnic and sat munching our snacks and soaking in the calmness and peace of the balmy evening. We commented on how we'd rarely been on such an outing without at least one of the children and how refreshing it was to have a few hours on our own.
Happier
When we arrived home we felt more relaxed, happier and better equipped to fulfil the remaining parenting challenges of a typical evening. My usual night out with my husband involves a last minute decision to go to the cinema or a rare trip to the local hostelry, where we meet up with another couple. It's not a bad idea to freshen up the repertoire a little and introduce something new. Invest in a CD of some songs that bring you back to when you first met, pop it into the player in the car and drive off on a trip down memory lane. If you don't have a relative who can watch over the children and can't afford a babysitter, sit out in your own garden, order a pizza, throw in some dessert and you have a really cheap, fun date. My daughter attends ballet classes in another town every Thursday. The hour just waiting for her is enough time to have a coffee and a chat.
Whatever it is, it's important that it's just about the two of you and recreating the old magic. It's important for every marriage that in striving to be a good father or mother, you don't forget about being a great husband or wife.
In his weekly general audience on April 2 this year, Pope Francis reflected on the vocation of marriage, describing marital love as a unique example of divine love in the world. He also commented on marriage not being an easy vocation. The little bit of extra effort and shuffling of finances to make a good or average marriage into a great one, will pay rich dividends.
A few hours of entertainment for parents, who often feel they're on a never-ending treadmill of responsibility, deepens their level of intimacy and their sense of togetherness. This is the best gift a couple can give their children, the example of their love and the increased stability and security that a loving marriage brings.