Breda O'Brien
The View
Every so often, I come across a book that I feel is worth sharing with readers, and Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Drs John and Julie Gottman is one such. The book concerns how to deepen relationships through a series of dates planned to facilitate in-depth conversations. Each conversation focuses on one arena: commitment and trust; conflict; sex and intimacy; work and money; family; fun and adventure; growth and spirituality; and, finally, dreams.
First, some caveats. Although 95% of the book does not conflict with Catholic teaching on marriage, there are some parts that will make a Catholic reader wince. For example, possibly the weakest chapter is the one on spirituality, even though the Gottmans cite research that shows that when couples regard their relationship as sacred, it greatly improves their chances of a successful marriage.
Spirituality is interpreted in the loosest possible sense and is far from the Catholic vision of marriage as the couple’s primary vocation, open to life and helping each other to become the people God wants them to be.
Despite these and other criticisms, it is still a valuable book. My husband and I are married for 29 short years. We have been very happy, so why were we eager to pick up, read and put into practice what the book offers? Thankfully, it was not because we felt our relationship was in trouble.
However, while the fundamentals of our marriage are strong and we feel that we are each other’s best friend, both of us are busy people.
Sacrifices
While we expected the early years of marriage and small children to be busy and to demand sacrifices I think it was a surprise to us that being the parents of young adults is also very demanding.
We are also conscious that we were blessed to have had children in the first place, given that so many couples struggle with infertility, and equally blessed because our children are really good young people. So in a way, we have little to complain about.
But life always seemed to be conspiring to create circumstances where prioritising our own relationship was always being put on hold.
Needs
Something else always seemed to be more important. They were always worthy things, perhaps the needs of a young person going through a tough time, or trying to volunteer in the parish or a thousand other things.
No marriage should be taken for granted and every marriage can grow. When we came across the book, it seemed to be a really good way to schedule time for each other.
Their key insight is that every relationship has areas of difference and conflict. Marriages where people never fight are relationships in trouble”
That may seem a bit odd. Scheduling sounds somewhat mechanical but in our case, events on the calendar happen, while those that are vague plans that might happen sometime, rarely do.
We do not need babysitters any more, so that helped. However, I think the book would also work for couples just starting out, even though the date might have to be in the living room in the short gaps when a baby is sleeping. Younger couples might also offer to exchange babysitting services with another couple trying to do the same thing.
It does not have to cost anything. You can go for a walk in a beautiful spot and that works perfectly.
The Gottmans are probably the leading researchers in the English-speaking world on what makes relationships work and they claim that they can tell which marriages will fail and which will survive just by the way that people speak to each other. In good relationships, people affirm, support and forgive each other, with more than a sprinkling of humour.
The Gottmans use the metaphor of the four horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships doomed to fail. These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
Their key insight is that every relationship has areas of difference and conflict. Marriages where people never fight are relationships in trouble. What is important is how the differences are navigated. And where two people are willing, the four horsemen can be sent packing.
Questions
The Gottman’s have a series of guiding questions on each topic. They encourage curiosity about the person whom you love. Who is this person to whom I am committed?
To answer that requires a willingness to be open with each other, to listen without interrupting, to ask supplementary questions that ensure you understood what the other person is saying, and to affirm each other.
All of these skills demand patience that is in short supply in our modern lifestyles. But really being heard is very healing.
Even though we are a long time married, we learnt things about each other we did not know. Both of us gained surprising insights not only about the other person but about ourselves. As the Gottmans say, every great love story is a never-ending conversation.