Wendy GraceWendy Grace examines the issue of dating someone who does not share your faith
When I started writing this article, I thought I would be writing a very different piece, one that would focus on keeping an open mind and giving everyone a chance. However, reflecting on my own experiences and chatting to others the same conclusion seemed to be reached, when faith is an important part of your life it is also an important, if not the most important, part of your relationship.
This does not mean, instantly rejecting a potential partner because they do not practice any faith, but it does mean being honest with yourself about what you want and, most importantly, what God desires for you.
I remember being terrified when I was again back in the dating game after a long-term relationship. I was a Catholic re-vert and I had never dated as a practicing Catholic before. I was surprised at what my experience was when I met non-practising Catholic guys; they were intrigued by my faith, and not one of them ‘ran a mile’. They all respected my faith, they were lovely people, but the connection of shared values was missing.
Soon enough a ‘bump in the road’ would appear which showed we clashed on core beliefs that could not be compromised upon. Nevertheless, I do not regret always keeping ‘an open mind’. I got a chance to speak to people about God, some of whom hadn’t thought about him in a long time. It is very important to say that you shouldn’t ‘write off’ someone simply because they don’t share your faith, from the word go.
Faith journey
Someone who is hostile to your faith is definitely a ‘no go’, but someone who is open to learning and growing in a faith they have drifted from is a totally different situation. Some people try discipleship dating, thinking “I can convert this person”. Always remember, only God can do the converting but, of course, you could become part of someone’s faith journey.
This is where prayer and discernment is really important. The best litmus test is to ask yourself this question, does this person bring me closer to, or further away, from God? Do they respect your views? If the answer is no then it is time to call it quits. In this situation, I think you have to make a decision quickly or someone will get hurt. I would advise you to build a friendship rather than a relationship.
Don’t let yourself fall for someone who, ultimately, might not be the right person for you. I always thought in the early stages of getting to know someone, if they respected my views, especially on counter cultural ideas, such as no sex before marriage, then that said a lot about their character, it was a pretty good start. You can remain open whilst building a friendship. Ultimately, it isn’t wise to put yourself in a situation where, when your feelings have developed for someone, you then compromise on things that were previously non-negotiable. Ask the important questions early on in a friendship, rather than a relationship setting. All relationship experts say don’t enter into a relationship thinking you will change someone, you won’t!
When it comes to faith, the advice remains the same. If you are with this person, hoping they might change, that is a very dangerous path to walk.
Ultimately, when it comes down to it, the question you must ask yourself is: what sort of partner do I really want? Someone who shares your love of God has to be at the top of your list. Why? Because the more your future spouse loves God the better they will love you.
I’ve experienced a relationship where I have gone to Mass alone every week, argued about things that were extremely important to me, such as protecting life and how to raise children. Eventually I came to the conclusion that marriage and raising a family are difficult enough, but when you have added pressures, such as fighting over how to raise your children and being the sole parent teaching your children about faith, these situations will compound all other problems in your marriage significantly. For me, my faith is the foundation upon which to build my marriage.
So is it wrong to date someone who does not share your faith? Rather than ask this question, whether it is right or wrong, I would suggest you should ask yourself – Why?
Why would you want to date someone who doesn’t share the most important part of who you are?
How could you fully share who you are, if faith is an integral part of your life? You want someone to love you for you, and that means every part of you. Yes, it is difficult to meet someone these days and, sometimes, the temptation to want to find a spouse can make us settle.
Recently, I interviewed a ‘matchmaker’; she told me she considers the most important thing when ‘making a match’ is shared core values.
Spouse
Ultimately, if you are dating you are hoping to find a spouse. When you are married, decisions will have to be taken every day in your marriage, those decisions will be arrived at, in a large part, by your faith and beliefs. Your faith is not just a part of your life; it is who you are.
As the Bible says, “A cord of three strands will not be easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). I always think when I am at a wedding, that there are three strands in a piece of twine, if the couple are wrapped around the centrepiece, which is God, then they will never unravel.
“Do not be yoked with unbelievers”, warns 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule.
It is not that two people of different faiths can’t have a happy marriage; of course they can. It is simply that sharing your faith makes for the best foundation, putting the odds of your marriage surviving in your favour.
There are so many situations, such as one spouse having a conversion during their marriage or one losing their faith at some point.
What both situations have in common is that the other half would love their partner to share their faith.
These people inspire me, as I can see how they consistently pray for their spouse, love them, and do all they can to live out Christ-like selfless love. In this situation trusting in God, in his plan and never ceasing to pray for their spouse is true faith.
Scripture tells us that the unbelieving spouse is made holy through the believing spouse (1 Cor. 7:14). Sacramentally, in marriage, the spouses are the conduits of Grace to each other and in a mixed marriage of disparity of faith; the Catholic is the conduit of Grace to the non-believer.
If this leads to a free conversion of belief by the non-believer then the Church rejoices.
Waiting for love, for the right person can be difficult, we can get impatient. It is tempting to jump into a relationship with someone that you may connect with physically and emotionally, but not spiritually – believing that this is ‘as good as it gets’ and settling for less than the best.
For people who find themselves in this situation, it’s important to remember the reason for the waiting is the right thing to do.
Here is where our trust in Jesus is so important; we have to trust that if our vocation is marriage, Jesus has the right spouse for us, who shares the same goals.
As I heard, so beautifully put, at a wedding recently, to accompany and help one another on a journey to salvation.