Maria ByrneA parent’s perspective
I was reading about a psychologist who specialises in couples and family therapy. A problem she regularly encounters in her office is overwhelmed mothers, suffering from exhaustion because of their punishing workload.
After a busy day in the workplace, these women have a second day’s work waiting for them as soon as they arrive home with an endless round of cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry. Household chores can become a major source of conflict in a marriage, generating feelings of anger and resentment. In reality, both spouses can be working very hard.
However, the psychologist who penned the article noted that, if a couple had children, their contribution to easing some of the pressure in the home seemed to be minimal.
When my children were small, they loved standing on a stool at the kitchen sink ‘washing the dishes’. This usually resulted in soaking-wet children and an empty bottle of washing-up liquid. It was worth it though just to savour those satisfied smiles.
From the time they can talk, toddlers are intensely eager in their enthusiasm to be ‘on the job’ with their mother or father. Maria Montessori, the famous educationalist and physician, who developed the Montessori method of education, worked with poor children from the most deprived slums of Rome. She was amazed to discover that children as young as three or four years old were drawn to the work projects they were introduced to.
Besides being fascinated by puzzles and perceptual learning activities, they were happy and excited to learn practical, everyday living skills that reinforced a sense of independence and self-respect.
The older children in Montessori’s first ‘Children’s Houses’ soon learnt to help take care of these schools, assisting their teacher with the preparation and serving of meals and the maintenance of a spotless environment.
Maria Montessori was ahead of her time in recognising and tapping into the ability of children to learn and to be productive members of society. It makes one wonder why some children today find it so tough to do simple chores such as preparing a basic meal, sorting out a load for the washing machine or tidying their bedroom. A lot of the negativity and resistance to housework is rooted in the parents’ attitudes. How often is running a household portrayed as something of value that can elicit a sense of pride and achievement?
Somewhere, in the years between early childhood and adulthood, we stopped viewing standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes as being worthwhile.
Fact
We often hear from employers or economists who bemoan the fact that students are too focused on the academic and are lacking in the practical skills that would make them more employable. There’s no recognition that, for many, a major part of their adults lives will be lived in the home environment. No one mentions skills that are required to run a home successfully or to raise children. Children look to their parents to gain these skills, but often what they hear doesn’t convince them that it’s worth the effort. If adults are constantly complaining about the “drudgery” of housework and how “I didn’t go to college to end up doing this”, they can’t expect their children to be jumping for joy at the prospect of scrubbing the bathroom or mopping the floor.
Parents lead by example. Shouting instructions from the couch doesn’t really yield positive results or motivate anyone.
Helping children to feel good about being involved in household chores and encouraging a good work ethic starts with motivating ourselves and modelling the value of work that we wish our children to emulate.
Parenting
I attended a talk recently on parenting pre-schoolers. It was interesting to hear the perspective of the speaker who felt that having low expectations for small children encourages a learned helplessness.
A three- or four-year-old can develop a sense of pride in making his bed every day and helping with other small jobs. A teenager can be encouraged to develop household management skills and is old enough to be involved in budget, home decor and household maintenance. Having a good work routine and getting the whole family involved means that children develop good habits like always clearing their dishes after dinner or putting their laundry away. If the adults row in with the children, the efforts acquire a team dimension. I often set a timer when tidying with the children. Add a bit of lively dance music and it’s amazing what can be achieved in 15 or 20 minutes.
Labourer
St Francis of Assisi said that “He who works with his hands is a labourer. He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist.”
Work in the home enables a child to develop his talents and capabilities; it requires focus and commitment and helps children to see their specific role as part of a team, working to a common goal.
Whether our child becomes a labourer, a craftsman or an artist, or a nurse, a teacher or a doctor, the meaning he or she finds in engaging in purposeful work will develop confidence and self-esteem. It will also prepare a child for the rigours of the adult work world more than any recitation of Shakespeare or memorisation of maths theorems.