It’s neither fair nor honest to demonise all men

The View

Little boys growing up today experience a different world from that in which our sons grew up. I remember teaching them to be polite, to open doors for people, to offer their seats to those who might need them etc. Now they tell me that some women interpret such basic courtesy as some form of discrimination or insult – as if they cannot open the door for themselves. I tell them it is still good to be unfailingly courteous whenever you can! Yet I know the world is changing.

Reality

It has always been part of our reality as women that we must be careful about our personal safety, and probably most of us have had some sort of adverse experience. I remember as a 16-year-old, working during the summer in an English holiday town, walking back from work one night about 10pm. As I walked the little back streets, I became aware that a man was coming up behind me – to this day I know nothing more than that, but, becoming fearful, I began to walk more quickly as I crossed the junction near to the house where I was staying. He walked more quickly. A girl came along the road at the junction and turned the corner, coming between him and me. I ran to the house where I was staying and as I shut the door, I heard her scream – she had been attacked. Her attacker ran. She was taken to hospital and recovered. I told my friends at work and my (male) employer, and for the rest of the summer he sent us home in taxis.

This reaffirmed for me two things which I already knew – that I must always be careful, and that most men are good and kind, and do not lurk constantly waiting to attack a woman or girl.

Of course, not everyone is as lucky as I was. A recent report by Women’s Aid stated that between 1996 and 2019, 230 women died violently in the Republic of Ireland. The statistics are very interesting: their research showed that 56% of women were murdered by a partner or ex-partner and another 31% of women were killed by someone they knew (e.g. brother, son, neighbour, acquaintance).

Thus, a total of 87% of women were killed by someone known to them. In only 13% of cases was the murderer a stranger. Of course, every murder, every attack on a woman is to be condemned absolutely. It obviously does not matter whether the attacker is known to the woman or not. It does tell us something though.

Twice

There is another grim reality too – men are almost twice as likely as women to be the victims of violent crime, according to a British crime survey last year. Women attack men too, and there is a real problem of domestic violence visited on men by women. The risk of violence in homes and on the streets is a growing problem. It can have terrible, life changing consequences.

However, it is important to keep that problem in perspective, so that we are not overwhelmed by fear. It is important, too, to ensure that the way we talk about it does not demonise the innocent and does not compound the problem. It is still the case despite the terrible events of which we hear, that most people don’t attack other people. It is of course true that both men and women, boys and girls, need to be careful and to take reasonable precautions. However, we must challenge the untrue and damaging narrative which is beginning to prevail.

I have listened with growing disbelief to some of the public discourse between women about men, and even between men. A colleague of mine in the House of Lords last week suggested that a 6pm curfew should be introduced for men in the wake of Sarah Everard’s disappearance and murder.

Baroness Jenny Jones said that such a move would “make women a lot safer, and discrimination of all kinds would be lessened”. This is nonsense. To impose a curfew on all men because a small minority of them attack others would be to discriminate against men! A young male English journalist wrote about what men should do when they encounter women in the street – he suggested crossing the road or using the telephone to make it clear that they are concentrating on something else. People increasingly talk about the problem of ‘men’. In so doing they bracket together the small minority of men who might inflict violence on another person and the majority of men who would never do such a thing.

What does this do to today’s little boys and girls as they grow up? Do little girls begin to think that all men are evil, as the dialogue suggests? Do little boys think that ‘men’ attack women? What does this do their understanding of themselves as they grow towards manhood? What does this do to young men today, who, listening to this begin to realise that some people, especially women, speak of them and perceive them all as potential attackers, though there is no justification whatsoever for this? What does it do to all men?

Believe

I do not believe that there is a problem of ‘men.’ I know that there is a growing problem of violence in our society. That violence is perpetrated by both men and women. Anyone who attacks another person does wrong. Anyone who assaults another person commits a crime. I think we need to be very careful in our public discourse that we do not instil unwarranted fear in young people – fear of being attacked, and fear of being seen as an attacker.

I think too that, as Catholics, we need to remind ourselves what our attitude to our fellow human beings should be. In the past year we have increasingly been separated from each other, those whom we meet outside our homes can be seen as potential sources of Covid-19 – a danger to us.

There is a very real possibility that little children going back to school, and adults going back into work, education and training will unconsciously carry that sense of danger with them as they return to whatever new normality is possible. Add to this all the complexities inherent in this new and intensely damaging and untrue narrative about ‘men’ and we will compound their problems.

We need to think again, and to use language which is capable of identifying evil without casting all men as evildoers.