Keeping the spark

Chai Brady discusses what sustains a marriage

 

St Valentine’s Day is a time many couples spend quality time with each other and focus on their relationship, with care, intimacy and love being key objectives.

But what happens when passionate feelings of love become more subdued, when the ‘honeymoon phase’ is long over and married couples face multiple challenges including work, finances, running a household and other family obligations?

Keeping the spark alive in these circumstances can be tough, especially when it can be so difficult to get a moment alone with your spouse, with stresses and pressures often mounting from all sides.

According to life coach and entrepreneur Tony Robbins, keeping a relationship on track takes more than just scheduling a date or two, it takes consistent work alongside your partner. Not introducing these changes could make a seemingly temporary state of distance a sad, detrimental reality.

All is not lost if this is what’s happening in a marriage, but changes must be made – the sooner the better.

“Less time together eventually leads to a loss of intimacy, which manifests as a loss of attraction. The loss of attraction leads to decreased communication between partners, starting off a cycle of negativity that becomes one of frustration and further distance,” Mr Robbins says.

Incompatible work schedules, long distance and responsibilities, like taking care of children, are often cited as reasons affecting being able to spend one-on-one time with a spouse he says.

Mr Robbins outlines several ways to make your relationship goals a reality, ensuring many more years of closeness, solidarity and romance.

Action

Firstly he says action needs to be taken immediately: “You have to create what you want, not just go hunting for it. To be a good partner you need to be emotionally fit and shift from wanting something to doing something. Think back to the start of your relationship: you were willing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. What are you willing to do now? You can’t just expect something to change without your input.”

Positive action can lead to desired results, but waiting around for change to materialise is an unrealistic mind-set and may lead to further disappointment.

What can be done? Initially, the most practical way forward is to discuss any issues with your partner. ‘Communication is key’ is not just a bland trope spewed out by anyone giving relationships advice, but a concrete method in which to bring internal conflicts into the open, allowing you and your spouse to work through them as a team.

Mr Robbins asks couples when was the last time they spoke to their partner in a meaningful way. “Talking doesn’t just mean chatting for a few minutes before falling asleep. It means making plans about your future, understanding your partner’s love language and finding out what’s on the other’s mind. It means sharing a real, emotional connection with your loved one to ignite the spark in a relationship,” he says.

Having five times more positive interactions than negative ones is key to a good relationship he advises and “particularly if you want an intimate one”.

“It’s easy to see the negative impact of people feeling shut down and shut out of their intimate partner’s sphere.”

Doing new things together is another way to rejuvenate a relationship that may have become slightly humdrum or stagnant, this can lead to growth in a marital bond.

People can be attracted to qualities in their spouse that are “oftentimes another part of ourselves that we’re not activating”, says Mr Robbins, and as communication deteriorates those qualities can be stifled in the other person, which can cause you frustration with them.

Couples don’t have to wait until St Valentine’s Day, birthdays or anniversaries to show affection. Doing something different, taking up a class or activity that perhaps you’ve talked about but never got around to do could be the salt and pepper needed to season your intimacy.

Surprise

This could take the form of a planned surprise just for the two of you. One of the most obvious choices is to organise a surprise date you’ll both enjoy, making sure your partner has blocked off some time in their diary to facilitate celebration of your relationship.

Mr Robbins says about planned surprises: “Spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether that’s going for a beverage or dinner, seeing a show, taking a walk, going on a weekend getaway or even something as simple as getting popcorn and drinks for a fun movie night at home.

“Your partner will see that you care enough to make time for them and you’ll remember the reasons that you got into this relationship in the first place.”

*****

One of the most salient and toxic problems in any relationship, particularly mature ones that may have spanned decades, is whether a couple has the ability to deal with past baggage.

It can happen that both partners have wronged each other in some way and have acted selfishly or unkindly at some point, when these past issues rear their ugly heads, which they often – sometimes inevitably – do, how you deal with them is integral to a happy marriage.

Perhaps you haven’t told the person how a past event made you feel, maybe you’ve brought it up dozens of times, either way, speaking about it constructively with the aim of coming to an agreement or some sort of resolution is a good way of tackling future fights.

Easier said than done of course, but planning on how you’ll deal with the issue in future the next time it comes up and making rules on how to engage the topic may be a solution that will help couples stop descending into rows.

“If you’re choosing to move forward in a relationship with your partner, then it’s time to let go of whatever old disappointments you’re clinging to. This moment is the only thing that’s real. So don’t filter your partner through a past story. That’s old news and it’s over. Instead, think about what will make that person feel loved and seen. Then do those things. Don’t know? Ask,” says Mr Robbins.

Generosity is also hugely important as it shows your spouse is your priority, says Mr Robbins, which is a sentiment he applies to all relationships.

“Remember, if you contribute nothing, you get nothing. If you get nothing, it’s likely that you feel insignificant and unloved,” according to Mr Robbins.

When a partner isn’t giving when it comes to their time and affection it can be a source of huge strain. Showing a partner you’re thinking of them by producing unexpected gifts or planning small trips is another way of showing interest, and that you’re prepared to spend time on making them feel loved.

Marriages are a two-way street, so don’t expect a whole lot if you’re unwilling to make the effort yourself, this may work in the short term, but is completely unsustainable. “Instead, think about what you can give to your partner to make them feel fulfilled, seen, and understand that they are your top priority,” Mr Robbins says, “go farther than your partner expects and you’ll be each other’s own No.1 fan.”

But perhaps the best way to keep the spark burning is remembering why you decided to devout your life to that person in the first place. What was it that attracted you? What’s affecting that now? How can this be remedied in a constructive way?

As Mr Robbins says: “Do what you did at the beginning of your relationship and there won’t be an end.”