Learning to forgive

Forgiveness does not deny the hurt or the need for repentance, but allows people to restore their relationship, writes Wendy Grace

Learning to forgive is an inevitable part of life and is an important characteristic of strong, lasting relationships. God knows that people will mess up all the time, we will hurt people and others will hurt us.

That is why Jesus tells us we need to forgive not seven, but 77 times. It is one of the most radical teachings of our Christian faith. It is also one of the most difficult teachings, but it is central to it. It is even at the heart of the Our Father, where we ask God to forgive us in the same way we forgive others. And of course Jesus frequently asked us to forgive our enemies.

One of the factors that can make forgiveness difficult is the reality that we misunderstand what it means in the first place. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Really we should be saying we need to remember to forgive. We all face difficult or hurtful situations in our lives, whether they be big or small matters, and we have to ask the question how to forgive. By forgiving you are letting go and allowing yourself to heal.

Sometimes in practice, this might sound impossible. There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you are saying that the actions of the person are okay. Forgiveness says this is what you did, but I am no longer holding it against you. You are letting go of your ‘right’ to be angry, or desire for revenge. You are leaving the justice to God. It also doesn’t mean the situation is forever locked away in a box and you will no longer have any feelings about it. We base our hurt often on what we ‘feel’ and as long as we feel hurt, angry, or upset then we can’t forgive, but forgiveness won’t necessarily get rid of those feelings.

Decision

Deciding to forgive someone doesn’t happen when those feelings go away, it is a decision that we have to make.

It means accepting the reality of what happened and looking for a way to live with it and move on, this can be a slow process. We intuitively know that not forgiving someone generally has a negative impact on us, so why then is it so hard to do sometimes? You have to be very honest with yourself. Ask yourself the question do you want to forgive the person? Forgiveness requires your will to want it to happen in the first place. Sometimes we would rather bury a hurt and not deal with it. You need to think about what hurt you, accept that it happened, explore how it made you feel, you need to acknowledge this reality.

Often we do want to offer forgiveness but we just can’t let go. You have to stop allowing yourself from thinking about ways to get even, as soon as those thoughts enter your head you have to snuff them out when you see them coming.

When we understand we are equally as capable of causing those hurts, then there is potential to release that anger. You need to identify the behaviours that block your ability to forgive, perhaps it is always entertaining malicious and negative thoughts about the person? Maybe it is engaging in conversation about the person or wishing bad things would happen to them. You need to identify these behaviours and then make a decision to stop them.

A good habit to practice is that when the person comes to mind say the words “I forgive you” whether you feel it or not. Eventually you will get to the place where you are willing the best for the other person. Try to genuinely pray for the other person and their wellbeing, especially when those negative thoughts come to mind. Force yourself to make it a habit and you will be amazed how it can set your heart free.

Fully letting go means letting go of the desire to want revenge or to punish the offender, you have to see the person instead of the wrong they have done. This is a commitment you might have to renew daily, or even hourly, to move forward. Of course the bigger the offense the more challenging it will be to move on.

A brief review of some of the many psychological journals online reveals countless case studies relating the importance of forgiveness and how it makes you healthier and happier, and makes you feel stronger. All the negative effects of holding a grudge make an impact on you physically, from anxiety to blood pressure.

When it comes to our relationships, couples who forgive each other for wrongs, be they small or large, are happier. It is a key player in the success of a relationship. In our families and our relationships, we will hurt one another no matter how close you are. Over time we can grow in our ability to forgive. Lack of forgiveness and holding onto things stirs up negative emotions and will create more arguments.

Often it is a cycle we have gotten ourselves into where there are destructive arguments backwards and forwards, and everybody loses. Don’t keep a mental note of every mistake the person has made, it will just distort and undermine your relationship. Express your feelings and then move on – once you have communicated them and discussed them you have to let go.

I get it, sometimes you just can’t stop thinking about it, you find yourself dwelling on something that was said, going over and over a particular hurt in your mind which leads to a bubbling over of anger or anxiety. This is where you really need to articulate  what you feel and why. For example, my husband hurt me because he forgot our anniversary, ok but is there more to it? What is it and how can you fix it? You have to name the hurts and understand them so you can deal with them.

Even when your spouse is remorseful you might use it as a way to have some sort of moral superiority rather than look at our own hearts and communicate effectively about what caused the offence in the first place. Current problems can be related to a past problem, that runs deeper and you need to gain an understanding of what is going on underneath the surface

Forgiveness can really strengthen our faith and relationship with God when we ask him for help. He can empower us to forgive, overcome and get stronger and hopefully weather future storms in our relationships. It means letting go of payback – no constantly reminding your spouse of how they have wronged you. This means saying you won’t bring up the matter in a hurtful or harmful way, no subtle digs or using it in a future argument. It doesn’t guarantee a change in the person, but it does mean you will grow and no longer be bitter. It is something you will become better at.

Remember forgiveness just means the start of a new beginning. You start where you are, not where you wish you were or where you want the other person to be. You are holding out a hand to renew a friendship or a relationship. It doesn’t deny the past hurt, it doesn’t ignore the possible need for repentance or change in a relationship, it just means you are willing to take the initiative to deal with barriers that might be in the way of restoring a relationship.