Encouraging children to do more for themselves
We are coming to the end of another school year and I am somewhat shocked to discover that my youngest child has finished her first year in primary school. I find it comforting that she still runs out of school at a gallop and leaps delightedly into my arms yelling 'Mammy' at the end of each day. I fear my growing boys would squash me flat if they tried to do likewise.
The changes wrought in my children over the last year are not just physical; their capacity to think for themselves and challenge their parents has also increased. Interestingly, as soon as one child begins to challenge something we say or do the others sensing a possible weakness in the parental alliance, close ranks and back the rabble rouser!
As each shows signs of increased autonomy we have expanded their responsibilities and encouraged them to do more for themselves. We discovered recently however that getting our children on board with plans which we consider important was going to require a more considered and collaborative effort.
It's no longer enough to convince them of the righteousness of our plans or to dictate what we think is suitable, they are looking for a more active role in determining the agenda themselves.
With this in mind we decided to instigate a monthly family meeting as a forum for developing plans of action for the family.
These meetings are not just about who does what and when, or the rights and responsibilities of each family member, they are more about providing a space where each person can raise what is important to them.
The children take these meetings very seriously and topics of conversation have proved to be hilarious.
Last month we discussed planting more flowers, increased allocation of household chores and later bedtimes when the school year ends. Any other business turned out to be: buying new games for the computer, the possibility of summer jobs to earn enough money to buy new computer games and repercussions for parents who refuse to cooperate with plans for new computer games!
Terribly sensible
For the most part we try to let them come up with their own solutions before we present some of our own. It's all terribly sensible but like most worthwhile things, it takes time and effort and a great deal of patience. It is so much easier to tell children what to do and to demand their compliance. Ironically the better the job you do on collaboration the harder it gets. Independent freethinkers tend not to take the trite or simple answer and never accept a parental 'Because I say so!'
Ultimately we want to teach our children to make sound choices by doing what they think is best as opposed to swallowing someone else's ideas whole.
Just as we taught them basic social skills, to deal with conflict and eat using cutlery, making sound choices must be cultivated and practiced first at home before being used in the wider world.
Parenting at this stage is still about minding and caring for them in basic ways but is increasingly about valuing their thoughts, ideas and perspective, and taking the time to be present to hear what they want to say.
It is a logical step to provide them a space in which we could model the life skills of standing up for oneís ideas, valuing each otherís opinions and respecting the right to speak freely and be heard.
Ending the meeting with hot chocolate and marshmallows was passed unanimously last week; with this consensus under our belts the sky is the limit for what we can achieve.