Maria ByrneJuggling all responsibilities can be stressful for one parent
I don’t think I’m the only stay-at-home mother who bombards her husband with a list of minor grievances and requests the minute he arrives home from work.
I’ve read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and know all about men needing to retreat into their caves to chill out after the stresses of an exhausting day. With a little patience and a minimum of pestering, a man should emerge, feeling refreshed and ready to hear about how Harry blew up the Hoover or that Sarah was scratched by the cat.
Add to that the usual list of requests for help and the expectation of a bail-out for a mother who’s drowning in domesticity by the time she hears the car in the driveway. No wonder men often feel like sinking into the couch with only the remote control for company.
The excuse of seeking a bit of solitude can fall on pretty unsympathetic ears. A woman, whose only minutes of ‘me time’ are while she’s hiding out in the bathroom isn’t the best therapist for her hard-done-by husband.
Huge joys
I’m sure men who work full-time in the home are often feeling equally exasperated by the time their wives walk in the door. There are huge joys connected to parenting, but there’s no denying that, at times, it’s really hard work.
Numerous studies and articles have explored how happiness levels are connected to sharing housework and tips on getting husbands to help out in the home.
What’s rarely mentioned is the experience of those who won’t be hearing the key in the door or the footsteps coming up the path.
Many households are headed by lone parents, who have to struggle on without a break. These men and women don’t have the luxury of another person, who’ll not just bring out the bins and give them a break, but who’ll be there to share the best of times and the inevitable burdens that parenting brings. In some other homes, there’s only one occupant.
For single people, there can be a sense of loneliness and isolation when the work day is over and they return to their empty dwellings. This can be particularly acute if living alone is not their preference.
There’s a hidden pain among those who had hopes of marrying and sharing their lives with a husband or wife and children.
The World Health Organisation reported that single and divorced people have an overall two to four times greater risk of depression, with men more at risk than women.
I often bemoan the fact that there seems to be a huge gap in the support systems that are available to married couples. Apart from a brief pre-marriage course, most couples will be lucky ever to attend another retreat or course that focuses on marriage.
On a parish level, it’s not very common to hear an enthusiastic sermon that encourages or uplifts a couple in their choice of vocation. When it comes to lone parents and those who are single, it’s even worse.
There are groups and organisations that reach out to young adults, but for those who are a bit older, there can be a feeling of being totally alone. I once had a very revealing chat with a widow whose husband had died several years earlier. Apart from the deep pain of loss was the shock of suddenly having a different status imposed upon her.
No longer one half of a couple, she felt saddened and dismayed to find herself crossed off the invitation list for all sorts of dinners, parties and social occasions.
Married couples may be inclined to socialise, almost exclusively, with other married couples. Pastoral initiatives that are centred on the family can forget about the heavy burden of responsibility that is shouldered by lone parents or the unique position of those who are single. There can also be a tendency to offer sympathy or pity instead of practical support.
A bereaved wife, who was used to her husband dealing with all the DIY jobs, might appreciate the offer of an hour’s work rather that a muttered “sorry for your troubles”.
A lone father who’s parenting a teenage daughter appreciates a sister or female friend who takes the time to chat to his daughter about her worries and fears or who just brings her out shopping.
Popular
No mother and father can do it all on their own and, while it’s popular to suggest that a mother or father doesn’t have a unique role in a child’s life, many lone parents will tell a very different story.
Parenting alone can be a bit like juggling, with the struggle of trying to keep all the balls in the air at the same time.
It seems to be all up to you – the household management, the responsibility of raising children, trying to hold down a job or the stress of depending on social welfare, and without the support of a loving spouse.
Sometimes, all that’s needed to face yet another tough day is a kindly word that reminds you of what a great job you’re doing.
For the single parishioner or the lone parent, a friendly invitation or a mention in the odd homily of how much they are valued would be a welcome recognition that, rather than standing in the margins all alone, they are as much a part of a community and parish as any married couple.