Róise McGagh chats to a specialist in marriage and relationships counselling from Accord about the issues heightened by lockdown
No one’s relationship is perfect. They require constant work in order to keep both parties happy, contrary to the songs; love is not always simple.
Issues that usually crop up in relationships are undoubtably going to be magnified, more difficult and more heated as you end up sharing more time in a likely not ideal space with your spouse and family.
Everyone living in a family has less room to themselves, less private time, less connections with other people and a lack of outlets compared to the way they normally live.
Mary Johnston, a specialist in counselling for marriage and relationships from Accord, the Catholic Marriage Care Service, spoke to The Irish Catholic about the kind of things that come up for couples that could easily become more prominent due to our circumstances.
She says the most common issues are, you guessed it – communication and managing conflict.
“Whether people are finding it hard to understand one another or people might feel that the other person isn’t making an effort to understand them,” she says
We are not only stuck in our homes at the moment, but we are also stuck with a huge amount of very reasonable stresses and anxieties. Many are worried about their health, the health of their family, the security of their employment, pay or financial issues.
“We can go very silent and retreat into ourselves and we won’t talk about anything because we’re stressed. Sometimes stress and anxiety can almost paralyze some people.
“Other people when they’re stressed and anxious, they do the opposite to withdrawing, they sort of explode – they can be sharp, they can be tetchy, they can be rude”
Ms Johnston explained how the heightening of these kinds of behaviours and mismanagement of conflict can impact other parts of the relationship. “The intimate relationship will be affected by how good or not the communication is, if you feel somebody is being hurtful or neglectful to you, you’re not going to be open to being physically or sexually close to them.”
“A lot of times couples would feel, ‘oh we’re having arguments, maybe we’re not getting along so well,’ but it’s not really around the number of arguments you have – it’s about how you manage an argument, how you treat the other person in an argument, how you speak to them, they’re the things that can really do the damage.”
Treating your spouse with respect and understanding, no matter how heated it gets is important, but not always easy. It is particularly important to not involve children in conflict.
A 2018 research study from the University of Vermont showed that the emotional processing of children, can be affected by parental conflict. It has the potential of making them overly vigilant, anxious and ‘vulnerable to distorting human interactions that are neutral in tone’, throwing their interpersonal relations as adults off balance.
Accord recently set up a free phone line where people experiencing extra pressure due to social restrictions caused by the Covid-19 pandemic can call with issues relating to marriages, families and relationships.
Ms Johnston said that the service is concerned about those dealing with issues of substance abuse in the home and instances of domestic violence. There has been a 16% spike in offences of domestic abuse recorded by the Gardaí since the lockdown period began.
Alcohol is not an issue if it’s a simple glass of wine or beer in the evening, however if habits are not healthy, it can have a more prominent impact on those living with the person. People could get out of order; they could be withdrawn or problematic in another way.
At the moment when money is short for a lot of people and things have to be tightened, if one person is spending on alcohol it could cause a lot of tension in the home.
“You would be concerned about the people who have some problematic behaviours that they’re trying to manage because maybe some of those support groups – maybe they’re happening remotely, people who attend AA, people attend groups for gambling people, who attend groups for drug use or use of pornography.”
“It would be difficult for people who are struggling with an issue so that might impact the family as well.”
It is not always physical abuse that can make people afraid of someone they are living with. Ms Johnston explains how abuse can come in all different forms: “Sometimes when we say we are fearful of the person we’re living with, we think of somebody who maybe has an implement or who is physically aggressive. Both domestic abuse and abusive behaviours can happen on a male side or a female side and it can be about verbal intimidation, it can be about control, it can be about harassment and it might not ever become a form of physical abuse but it could be as frightening or as fear provoking as physical abuse.”
There are a number of supports available for people experiencing domestic abuse including Women’s Aid, SafeIreland, What Would You Do and Operation Faoisimh by the Gardaí to assist victims of domestic abuse.
Luckily for many, the issues at home are not as serious as this, but they can still be difficult to deal with.
Again, nobody is perfect, we all do things that we regret. “Being able to repair from a difficult issue, being able to apologise, being able to see the other persons perspective, being able to look at yourself – when things go wrong it’s not all about the other person we have to look at ourselves really,” says Ms Johnston.
There are a few things you and your spouse can do to help ease any tensions that might arise from being in a confined space together.
It is important to remember that this is a temporary situation. Of course, at the moment the national advice is saying it isn’t time to slow our efforts yet, however it it’s important for people to bear in mind that this is not going to be permanent.
Ms Johnston says, “I think it’s important to manage your thinking, let’s not be going down the catastrophic road – that this will never end we’ll never get out again.”
Some things that can help with this is some prayer or meditation, getting out for a reasonable amount of exercise, and journaling your thoughts – or even speaking them out loud to someone willing to listen.
“The other thing I would think is important’s a routine,” says Ms Johnston. If you have felt your routine slipping, now is the time to get it back in motion. We have been encouraged to give kids set spaces and times for school work, recreation and helping around the house – it’s time we do the same for ourselves. Balance the housework, the childminding, when you each have to do your paid work, in a routine – and most importantly make sure there is time for each person to have some space to themselves.
If there is something you like doing that allows you to take some time away from the noise and chaos of family life – it’s great to get a bit of personal space for rejuvenation.
“The other thing for couples I would say is that they do need to talk to one another about how they’re feeling and how this time period is affecting them and how they’re managing,” says Ms Johnston.
“Try and understand each other and where you’re coming from and explain how this problem is affecting you and what feelings and thoughts are going on for you. Try and do a little of that on a regular basis and also to get a little bit of space for yourself.
“The other thing I think is really important is self-management.” It is important to know when you’re felling hot headed or easily worked up – this might not be the right time to bring up issues or argue back or hash something out. The last thing you want is this stressful time pushing you to say something that causes difficulty now or in the future.
Remember, this is difficult for everybody.
Speaking about communication Ms Johnston says, “I think it’s something that takes a lifetime; to keep relationships healthy and close, to keep it going and to keep it a good thing.
“When you think about the relationships – we have children, we have siblings, we have parents, we have spouses. It’s no mean feat to try and keep relationships going and to keep them so that they’re good for us and good for the other people in the relationship as well.”