Wendy GraceWendy Grace discusses the art and value of early encounters
Endless amounts of research show you have just seconds to make a good first impression. I’m not sure I agree that in all situations it is the lasting one, because often you get a second chance, but of course in many cases, like job interviews or networking events, you only get one shot.
The first rule of any meeting is to be on time – and if it’s a job interview always be early. This will make it much easier to relax and to be yourself. Remember as well that an impression may have already been formed before the person to person introduction ever takes place. What does ‘Google’ say about you? What does searching your social media accounts indicate?
Remember, what you do online forms part of people’s understanding of who you are.
Nowadays we seem to be living our lives on auto pilot. We have so many distractions: e-mails constantly coming in, phones buzzing, text messages or Instant Messengers.
Recently in my article on mindfulness (‘Sacraments of the Present Moment’ IC 14/07/2016) I explained the importance of actually being present in each moment, something that sadly is becoming a rarity these days. Give yourself time and space to think before an important first meeting.
Don’t be checking your e-mails on your phone or scanning Facebook while you wait for your name to be called. Clear your mind and prepare yourself. In these moments I always pray and ask God to guide me in my conversations.
Encounter
What you have to decide before any event where you are going to meet new people is what your hopes from the encounter are. What type of people do you want to meet and what type of interactions would you like to have? Who exactly are you trying to impress? What are their backgrounds? It’s always worthwhile spending some time knowing a little bit about the person you want to get to know better .
Often when it comes to important meetings like a job interview, nerves can take over. If you find yourself getting anxious or nervous, remember this acronym: S.T.O.P.
Firstly stop, find silence, stop fiddling with your phone or listening to the radio, pull in your car, whatever you are doing (S)top. Then (T)ake some deep breaths. Try to focus only on your breathing the sound, the pace, the length of time you breathe in and out for. (O)bserve what is going on, what your thoughts and feelings are, and name the emotions that are causing you to feel this way. Acknowledging what you are feeling will help you to deal with it. Naming our emotions gives us better control of them. Then (P), proceed with what you were doing.
It is so important to be really aware of your body language. The majority of our communication is non-verbal. So even when what you’re saying is positive, if your arms are folded or you’re not making eye contact with the person that you’re speaking to, you’re sending out the wrong message.
Keep your posture upright but relaxed, don’t be afraid to use your hands when you speak. Your facial expression is also very important.
Sometimes we can frown without even realising it, so become aware of your expressions. It is what shows that you are engaged and listening. This interest has to be genuine, so ask plenty of questions.
Whether it is a job interview or meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time, preparation is key. Make sure you make the time to properly prepare and internalise information that you might need.
You’re not going to impress people by talking about yourself and your achievements non-stop.
Make the person the focus of your attention rather than yourself. If you only put the spotlight on yourself you will miss opportunities in relationships, friendships and jobs. It is a mistake to think that the art of conversation means that you are good at talking, really it is about listening to the other person and being patient. You have to stop trying to think of the next amusing story or rehearsing in your head what you want to say next. But don’t take this advice to the other extreme. Don’t ever give a one word answer, even if you are asked a closed question.
One of the first things people will notice about you is what you are wearing. Wear something that you are comfortable in but that is also appropriate for whatever the occasion is.
This might seem like common sense, but modern day manners seem to have taken a bad turn. You shouldn’t be looking at your phone when you’re in conversation. Even if you just glance at your phone it will be obvious that you are not fully engaged in the conversation.
A big mistake is forgetting names. If you have trouble remembering names, once the person introduces themselves repeat their name back to them immediately to solidify it. Keep using it from that point on.
Handshakes are important. Often we rush these, especially when you are shaking hands with a group of people in quick succession. Take your time with each introduction.
One of the keys to making a good first impression is in the Commandments. Love your neighbour, treat everybody nicely, and treat everybody equally wherever you go with the same kindness and respect.
Names
After you meet someone new, take mental notes and afterwards write them down. This means that the next time you meet you can ask how their child’s first day at school went, or how their holiday was.
It’s not a good sign when you meet someone for the second time and you end up asking the same question that they answered first time around.
If it is a business function, always have your business card with and always follow up quickly with a quick e-mail after the event itself.
The other side to first impressions is our own responsibility when making them. It is a reality that so many people make a judgment on how we speak, dress or talk. Often this judgement can be subconscious.
As Christians, we have to be called to look beyond the superficial, and look beyond our first impressions, and seek to get to know the whole person. Even if our first impression is a negative one, we have to battle those judgements, because of course we cannot know a person based on one meeting. Remember whether you like this person or not, they are made in God’s image.
We can’t be too hard on ourselves if a meeting doesn’t go well. It is a mistake if we are careless in our preparation or being distracted, thus give a poor impression. Then we have let ourselves down. But if you have done your best and things still don’t go your way you have to accept sometimes that maybe it wasn’t the job for you, or a person God wanted in your life.
Jesus asked us not to judge by appearances – “Do not keep judging according to appearances; let your judgment be according to what is right.” (John 7:24) – so whether you are the one making or trying to form a first impression do remember this.
As Christians, we are called to challenge this part of our human nature, so if a first impression is a bad one, you need to give the person a chance to show that it is in fact is not the lasting one.