Mags GarganMags Gargan speaks to a support service for male victims of domestic abuse launching a new awareness campaign
Domestic violence against men remains one of the great taboos that we don’t talk about in Ireland. The idea of a man as a victim and a woman as a perpetrator goes against society’s perceptions of gender roles, and this bias often leaves men suffering in silence and isolation, afraid to admit what is happening to them for fear of being met with disbelief or derision.
This week Amen Support Services have launched their annual awareness campaign to encourage men suffering domestic abuse to come forward, and to let men know that there is help and most importantly inform them that they do not have to suffer in silence.
Working out of an office in Navan, Co. Meath, Amen provides information and support for male victims of domestic abuse including a confidential helpline, information on legal options for victims, court accompaniment, counselling, groups meetings, one-to-one support and an outreach clinic in Dolphin House, Dublin.
They have also started offering free cookery classes, which provide a social element for men who are in similar situations, while also providing practical help for men who may be living alone for the first time or cooking for their children.
The Amen support service is a voluntary organisation which began in 1997 with one woman, Mary Cleary, working from her kitchen, and only began to employ full-time staff once they received funding from the HSE in 2007. While working as a nurse in the fracture clinic at Navan hospital she was amazed at the number men with unexplained injuries that came through the doors.
She was already involved in a woman’s support group and decided to hold a public meeting to address the needs of men experiencing domestic abuse. The massive attendance at this meeting led her to set up the helpline.
Abuse
According to the National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence 29% of women and 26% of men suffer domestic abuse, and 29% of women (1 in 3) and only 5% of men (1 in 20) report to the gardaí.
While, at first glance, this seems to suggest that women and men experience similar levels of domestic abuse, the impact and severity of abuse experienced by women is much greater than that by men. However, men, like women, deserve protection against these abuses.
Domestic violence goes beyond physical and sexual violence. It can also involve psychological, verbal and emotional abuse: the destruction of property; isolation from friends and family; threats; insults and control over finances.
Taking the first steps to get help can be enormously difficult. Feelings of embarrassment, shame, and fear of not being taken seriously are real barriers to seeking help.
Niamh Farrell, manager of Amen, says that while she feels the stigma around domestic abuse is lifting, men are still reluctant to talk about it out of fear of not being believed.
Perception
“The problem is there is a perception about men in general in society – in their role as father, husband, brother, friend – so when they are being abused it is all tethered to their identity as a man,” she says, “but also to the public perception of what being a man is because in physical stature a man is bigger than a woman, so people think it can’t be the case that a man is being abused by a woman. But often it is psychological and emotional abuse, which can be far more damaging in the long term.”
Niamh says that when men ring the Amen helpline they tend to focus on the psychological and emotional abuse, and only in the course of the conversation does physical abuse comes to light.
“It can start as psychological and emotional abuse and then escalate into physical abuse. When they ring in and we ask them about physical abuse they say no and then during the conversation they mention that she hit me but they don’t seem to recognise it as the main type of abuse. They are more concerned about psychological and emotional abuse – being put down, criticised as being useless or a terrible father, asked have they checked they are the father of their child, financial dependence, withholding of money or social abuse like being isolated from family and friends.”
Reports of physical abuse include stabbing, hitting, punching, black eyes, biting, cigarette burns and injuries from boiling water. "On occasion I was hospitalised when my wife hit me on the head from behind with an iron," one man told Amen.
Another says: “My belongings get destroyed on a regular basis. I live like I am walking on broken glass. I just feel that I can’t go on like this anymore for my sake and the children. She has hit me in front of our two boys aged five and seven. All this coming from a six foot, 16 stone man. I fear she will snap at any time. I have been hit by a brush while I had my hand in plaster from a work injury.”
Last year Amen received 4,071 calls to the helpline and offered 325 one-to-one support meetings, which is a 24% increase from the previous year. In the period Jan-Mar this year they have already had 113 one-to-one meetings, which is a big jump from last year, at a time when Government funding has been reduced by 2.5%.
Awareness
The rise in the number of calls and visits suggests an increased awareness of the existence of the support organisation and also a greater willingness by men to seek help, and Niamh hopes that their awareness campaign, which runs until June 15 will encourage more men to come forward.
The theme for this year’s campaign is ‘Domestic Violence, We Listen’ and it was developed in conjunction with Third Year Visual Communication students from Dublin Institute of Technology, Mountjoy Square, Dublin. The students designed the artwork which will appear on billboards and bus stops, and Niamh says she was delighted by their commitment, dedication and innovation.
She says the aim of the campaign is to “encourage men to look for help and to give the helpline a call – to get the support that they need”.
Amen can be contacted on 046 9023 718 from Mon- Fri, 9am-7pm or email info@amen.ie
WHAT DO TO
What men in abuse situations should do:
- Do not leave the family home unless you and your children are in danger.
- Keep a record of the dates and times of incidents.
- Report the abuse to your doctor and to the gardaÌ ñ ensure that they record all the details of your injuries and the assault.
- Seek medical attention for any injuries.
- Take photographs of any injuries.
- Get legal advice and protection from the courts.
- Talk to your family and friends.
- Do not be provoked into retaliating.
Comments made to Amen
“I don’t have any friends, she doesn’t like it nor do I have any hobbies, as she doesn’t like me going out without her.”
“No one will believe me. I would be ashamed to tell someone I was being beaten up by my wife.”
“I asked her one day what she would do if I left her. She said she would destroy me.”
“If I had no kids I would leave but I can’t leave my kids. I still love her. I can forgive. I want my old wife back but I can’t have that.”