A parent’s perspective
Mother’s Day can be a short relief from the hardships and challenges of Lent. I have to admit that I have a long way to go before I develop a more penitential spirit. I’m almost ashamed to confess that, on a recent excursion to Ikea, I was less than impressed when my husband and daughter tucked into mouth-watering desserts. As I’m off sweet treats for Lent, they should have joined me in solidarity. My arguments fell on deaf ears.
I expect the standard box of chocolates on Mothering Sunday will see me through until we celebrate Easter Sunday.
Thinking about the celebration of mothers everywhere and the fantastic work they do, often with little thanks, I found myself wondering if a day will come when celebrating motherhood will be viewed as discriminatory.
With the Children and Family Relationships Bill going through the various stages in the Dáil, it seems that the definition of what a parent is will become a lot more fluid.
Intention
It almost seems like something out of a sci-fi film to read that “a person who donates human reproductive material or an embryo for use in assisted reproduction without the intention of using the material or the embryo for his or her own reproductive use is not, by reason only of the donation, a parent of the child born as a result”. A brave new world indeed.
Various studies claim to demonstrate that children are doing just as well, if not better when being raised by same-sex parents. Another recent, much larger study, conducted by Mark Regnerus of the University of Texas, reported that outcomes were better for children brought up by their married mothers and fathers. While it’s fascinating to follow the debate, it’s days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that demonstrate clearly our belief in the unique contribution of a mother or a father.
The old Irish song A Mother’s Love’s a Blessing would probably not be a modern-day chart topper, but it’s one of many Irish songs and poems that recognise the value of the Irish Mammy. Mothers are immortalised in words like those in Patrick Kavanagh’s In Memory of My Mother. Kavanagh fondly remembers his mother “happily going to second Mass on a summer Sunday” or walking with her on fair day “together through the shops and stalls and markets”. Whatever is said in politically correct circles, when mothers get together, they don’t have any doubt that the contribution they make is special. I notice that when I go away for a few days, my children always say that they miss me in ways that are different from the ways that they’d miss my husband.
The question is often asked: “Do fathers matter?” Now, the value of motherhood is under attack too. What was viewed as indisputable has, within a few short years, become a matter of personal opinion.
Any adult or two adults that can lavish a child with love is deemed to be all that is necessary. It’s often quoted that “it takes a village to raise a child” and it’s true that there are numerous adults who’ll play a part in any child’s upbringing, education and formation. However, in reality, no one has a child’s interests at heart as much as their own parents.
No one will ever replace a mother, as I discovered when my own mother died over 14 years ago. Having two teenage daughters, there are conversations and intimate moments about growing up and maturing into womanhood that needs the female perspective.
I might be married for years, but there are things about men that I’ll never understand.
You can’t generalise about every single individual, but according to Paul Raeburn, who actually wrote a book entitled Do Fathers Matter?, fathers are more likely to encourage risk taking. They’ll push their child to climb higher, run faster and they worry less than mothers about all those scary things that could go wrong. If there’s a parent waiting up at night for that key in the door, I’d bet that nine times out of 10, it’s dear old Mammy.
Fathers engage in more roughhousing with their young children which, according to Australian research, is crucially important for early development. I know, in our house, my husband rolling around the floor with my four year old is not unusual. He’s an expert in teaching the children self-defence moves, which can get quite energetic and noisy at times. I’m more the snuggly bedtime-story type.
Losing a parent though death or when a couple separates is seen as something negative. I know that I’d be upset if someone suggested that an aunt or other caring adult could take the place of my mother. There’s an ongoing issue with fathers feeling discriminated against in family law courts.
They feel that their role in their children’s lives is not properly valued.
Mothers and fathers who are parenting alone know the stress of trying to do it all. They often rely strongly on the help of friends and relations.
When people tune into the usual Mother’s Day sentimental tributes to hundreds of different mothers, they are recognising that their mother matters, even if she is no longer with them.
The chocolates are nice too, but the satisfaction and pride in being recognised as much more than “any old adult” is the best Mother’s Day gift of all.