Courtney McGrailDr John Sharry offers parents advice on helping their children cope with a separation
Dr John Sharry
More and more children are witnessing their parents separate and/or growing up in single-parent households. The chain of events from parental conflict to separation can have a devastating impact on parents, children and extended families.
In surveys, parental separation is second only to the death of a parent in the levels of stress it can cause in children and parents. In addition, separation can bring many other stressful events to bear, such as house moves, money problems, legal battles and loss of supportive relationships, all of which can increase the burden on parents and children.
The good news is that there are positive things you can do that will minimise the negative impact of separation on your children. Though there are exceptions (e.g. in cases of violence or abuse), shared parenting is generally the best situation for most children post-separation. Shared parenting gives children access to the care, support and love of their two parents, working together for the benefit of their children. These are the ideal conditions in which children can thrive and grow up as well-adjusted adults.
It is acknowledged however, that this ideal is far from easy; in reality, many parents find themselves either as single parents coping relatively on their own with their children, or as ‘live-away’ parents struggling to stay supportively involved in their children’s lives. Though the situation is changing (as more fathers have an active role in childcare before and after separation), the ideal of shared parenting is still relatively rare.
The most common situation is for the children to live with one parent (usually the mother) and then have weekly or less frequent access with the other parent.
Also recognised is the importance of step-parents and new partners in blended families, not to mention grandparents and extended family, all of whom play an important role in helping separated parents and supporting their children. Each family is unique and the key is to identify your family strengths and what works for you.
For children, the conflict leading up to their parents’ separation, the separation itself, and coming to terms with new living arrangements are all hugely stressful events. How they cope varies greatly according to their unique temperament, personality and individual needs. Each child is different. It is important that you listen carefully to them so that you can understand how they are coping before you decide how best to help them. One very important factor determining children’s coping is their age at the time their parents separate.
Pre-schoolers
Pre-school children need frequent reassurance that mum and dad both still love them, that they did nothing wrong to cause mum and dad to split up, and that they will be taken care of. These reassurances need to be frequent and in a simple language that children can easily understand.
It is also very important that any changes of routine and living arrangements are explained clearly to pre-schoolers. Just because pre-schoolers are younger, parents should not argue or criticise each other in front of them, assuming they don’t understand what is being said. Even infants pick up on tensions and rows between parents and are adversely affected by them.
School-age children
School-age children need honest and open communication from their parents about the separation. If there is no hope of a reconciliation, this needs to be expressed clearly to them, while at the same time understanding their wish for a reunion.
It is important that they are given space to express their feelings, especially their anger and upset. It is really helpful if, as parents (custodial or non-custodial), you can listen to and take on board the upset and the complaints they have about you. Be very sensitive to children who appear to be unaffected by the separation. Make sure they still get special time and attention.
At all costs, avoid putting children in the position where they have to take sides. Give them permission to love the other parent. Be open to hearing your children talk positively about the other parent, without feeling resentment or jealousy.
Young adolescents
Separated parents need to communicate honestly and openly with adolescents. Generally, teenagers value being told in an adult way why and how the separation has happened. Remember that teenagers can appreciate that there are two sides to the story and it can be very helpful to explain to them your views and feelings, and then to objectively and fairly describe the other parent’s views as well. This can relieve them of the burden of having to take sides and help them maintain a connection with both parents.
It is also crucial that parents work hard at connecting with and maintaining their relationship with their adolescents. Don’t just assume they are okay; go out of your way to spend time with them and to talk and listen to them.
Finally, avoid relying emotionally on your teenagers. It is not fair to expect youngsters to provide emotional support to either parent or for them to take on the parenting role with younger children.
Minimise change
When parents separate, much of the trauma children suffer is not directly due to the separation itself, but rather on account of the life changes that often occur. Children may experience disruptive changes such as living in a different house, moving far away to a new area, changing schools, or losing contact with friends and extended family members, etc. It is important that these changes be minimised.
You may think that moving to a new city will be a fresh start for you and your ‘new’ family, but you may serve your children better by keeping things stable in their lives, at least for the first few years after the separation. If some changes are inevitable (and they often are), try and maintain other sources of stability in your children’s lives. For example, you may have to move house, but your children could stay in the same school, though they may have to travel a little further to get there.
Quality parenting
In the difficult times of separation, and without the support of a partner, it is easy for parents to let the quality of their parenting slip. Your children, however, need consistent and loving parenting more than ever during this time. They need your encouragement, love and attention as well as your rules, guidance and boundaries, as much if not more than before.
Although your former partner may not be an important person in your own life anymore, he/she is likely to be a very important person in your child’s life. Being a good parent means accepting the other parent’s role in your child’s life and taking steps to support their involvement.
While you may feel very negatively about your former partner, it is very distressing for the children to hear frequent criticism of someone that they almost certainly still love and probably greatly miss. Save expressions of frustration and negative feelings for when you talk to other adults who are supporting you and try to speak positively (or at least neutrally) about the other parent in front of your children. It is crucial that you don’t compete with your former partner for your children’s love, and that you don’t put your children in a position where they feel they have to take sides.
Above all, your children need to know that it is all right for them to love both of you.
Positive parenting ideas
- Try and spend individual time with each of your children, when you can play with them, relax and enjoy each other’s company.
- Spend family time together weekly, using the time to plan, discuss rules and chores, and to have fun.
- Set clear rules with your children and enforce them calmly by using consequences to help them learn to take responsibility
- Be consistent in your routines and reliable in any promises or arrangements you make.
Dr John Sharry is a mental health professional. Extract taken from his book Parenting when Separating: Helping Your Child Cope and Thrive. Published by Veritas