Parenting Matters
Stress and anxiety are unavoidable in life. There is no point in trying to imagine that life can be stress free. Most people manage stress well. It is only when stress and anxiety gets in the way of doing the daily tasks that we should consider it a serious problem.
Children prone to anxiety can show this from a very young age and it is very important for parents to help a child manage anxiety in order to prevent it from becoming a problem later.
In some families, there is also a history of anxiety and stress and that can be inherited in a child. Always remember that anxiety is not your child’s fault and should not be thought of as being naughty or bold. Take good note of your own family history and be advised by what you have been told about how you were as a child also. It is also very wise to think about any current family problems and how they are talked about near children.
Protective
Because children watch parents closely, they can also absorb your own worries and take them on. Young children will almost always see things as being about them and that means they will also feel a problem to be theirs alone.
Parents need to see themselves as protective in the face of a child’s anxiety. By this I mean make sure you do all you can to let the child have some skills to manage problems, but that you make sure the environment around them is supportive.
It is important to ensure that your child is not exposed to talk about adult concerns or problems. Always make sure a child knows that it is the adult’s job to sort out problems and to make it clear that you are very good at making things alright and safe.
Give your child some skills at managing problems. An anxious child needs to learn how to tolerate the feeling of discomfort. This is very important so that children can learn to tolerate separation from parents and also the demands of school. If a child cannot manage those two things, parents can expect anxiety to become more noticeable in other situations.
Gradually expose your child to the caregiving of trusted adult family members or very close friends. Start with short exposure times for a half hour and increase that to an hour and so on until you can be away for a few hours. Always tell your child you are going and that you are coming back. Do not sneak out even if this is easier for you. Your child thrives on trust. Preserve and maintain that in what you do.
When your child needs your help, give it but delay slightly so that you can tell the child that you are pleased s/he managed to wait so well.
Always introduce new situations carefully for the anxious child and always prepare each child well for big transitions. If you are moving house, or going to a new school, introduce that new situation with lots of preparation.
Show photographs of the new school. Show photographs of the new teacher and of children playing, learning and looking happy. Arrange a visit so the child has an idea of where they will be going. Talk about the new school for short periods of time so that the idea grows.
Similarly if there is an event or big family occasion coming up, prepare for that by introducing it and do not have it as a big demanding surprise on the day.
Exposure
Children do not respond well to being over exposed to what is uncomfortable for them. It can make things much worse. Gradual exposure helps bearing in mind that children adjust based on what they can manage, how well they feel able to rely on their parents’ word and on how well they have been prepared for what provokes their anxiety.
If you have a child going to school this year and your child is anxious, start preparing for that now and talk to your local school to arrange a visit. Most schools are really happy to help because they want to make sure that they understand a child’s needs well.
If a school is not helpful with common problems, you need to ask yourself if it is a good fit for your child.
If you have a child preparing for a hospital stay, talk to the nurse or doctor at the clinic and they will tell you how to prepare your child as some procedures will need specific guidance. The children’s hospitals have books on how to prepare for a hospital visit and they are very well produced. But the same principles apply; introduce the idea, reinforce all your child does, show photographs and get the nurse to show your child what is important.
You won’t take every worry away but you can teach your child that worries don’t have to stop us from doing the things that are necessary. Exposing your child to worry helps prepare for life events, but it must be done carefully to be done protectively.
Dr Colm Humphries is a clinical psychologist based at Philemon in Maynooth, Co. Kildare.