Maria ByrneA parent’s perspective with Maria Byrne
My school days weren’t exactly the best days of my life. I was often miserable for the last week of any holiday period, wasting the time that was left under a dark cloud of doom and gloom.
When I meet children who claim cheerily that they are “dying to get back to school”, I can’t quite grasp the root of their optimistic enthusiasm. As a child who sometimes felt awkward out of my own comfort zone and immediate circle of family and friends, I wasn’t totally at ease in the classroom environment.
When I was young, there was still a very definite division between a child’s world and an adult’s world. When my Auntie Betty came visiting, any child who was eavesdropping on the fascinating adult chit-chat was soon whooshed out the door without further ado. A child who piped up to interrupt an adult’s conversation was considered a little precocious and ill-mannered. It wasn’t exactly the time of ‘children should be seen and not hear’, but it wasn’t far off.
Privilege
Fast forward to several years later and I find myself parenting children who neither worry about being seen or heard. There’s no ushering these children out of the room. They’ve been raised to believe that having your say isn’t a privilege for adults and are happy interacting with all age groups.
I remember my worst nightmare was having to stand up in a classroom to participate in a debate or discussion. Even now, while I like to contribute at meetings and in group situations, I often find myself blushing embarrassingly for no particular reason, maybe the one remaining remnant of my childhood reticence.
I’m often gobsmacked at my children’s ability to negotiate new situations and circumstances in a way that would have caused me sleepless nights when I was their age.
Of course, not every child is bags full of confidence, outgoing and capable in every situation. It can often happen that a parent who enjoys a life in the spotlight, and who sparkles in the presence of an audience can’t quite understand why one of their children shuns the bright lights and would prefer his or her own company. Some parents worry if they perceive their children as being too introverted, sitting at home absorbed in a book, instead of being social butterflies.
We can inadvertently label a child who is very different to ourselves.
A quiet child might be termed ‘a little mouse’; an avid reader ‘always has her nose stuck in a book’ or is ‘a little professor’.
For more sedate parents, a son or daughter who enjoys endless socialising can be a mystery too. They’re perturbed, and sometimes upset and dismayed, when their child doesn’t want another family night, watching movies and playing Monopoly. It often becomes a problem when there’s a clash between the age-old family traditions and the older child’s desire to seek out and enjoy new social circles.
The causes of poor communication and the misunderstandings that develop between parents and children are usually associated with the fact that they speak very different emotional languages. Dr Gary Chapman and Dr Ross Campbell have written a book, The 5 Love Languages of Children, which is about loving and respecting your child in the way that he or she needs and can relate to, not in the way that we, as parents, would like to be loved.
Finding a child’s love language can save a lot of heartache, wasted effort and disappointment. It might explain why I feel a little put-out when my 13-year-old daughter isn’t swooning at my suggestion of a shopping trip where we can do some mother/daughter bonding. A little research has made me realise that this daughter probably prefers words of affirmation which, for her, would involve taking an interest in anything to do with supernovas, galaxies and the universe.
The ‘five love languages’ are acts of service, quality time, physical touch, gifts and words of affirmation. If a child isn’t big into big bear hugs, maybe he would love time spent helping him with his favourite project (acts of service).
Maturity
As the teenage years approach, our children start to mature, but, with developing maturity can come a feeling that we can’t quite relate to this stage in our child’s life. Instead of focusing on how different they are to us or struggling to pull them back into our familiar world, the time is right to move outside our familiar modes of operation.
We need to move a little towards their world.
Don’t just complain about their loud music. Maybe, if we just listen, we might actually share some of their tastes.
Value their feistiness and what they can achieve because of their fearless streak, helping them to channel their talents instead of criticising them because they don’t emulate our approach.
Sit in the cold with them counting the shooting stars even if it’s preferable to be inside watching the latest episode of EastEnders.
More than anything, make a resolution to find new ways to connect with each of our children in ways that, although a little alien to us, is the only way to really understand their individuality.
And, who knows, we might find that getting to share in our child’s hidden life may encourage us to uncover a side of ourselves that never had the chance to be revealed.