“I strongly believe that awareness really is the beginning of wisdom”, writes Dr Colm Humphries
I work as a clinical psychologist. I see many children and young people every week. Usually, I am asked to meet someone because there is a worry about something not being quite right. Sometimes a child looks for help because of a worry.
Often, parents notice that behaviour changes in some way. Schools can notice that things are harder than they should be and suggest that it would be good to get some advice.
I see a lot of children who have big difficulties and many who have significant challenges and problems. It is true though that most children thrive and grow positively through challenges.
Relatively small numbers of young people have problems that endure.
In many cases how parents respond to needs as they arise make a big difference in the long term.
When families decide to consult a psychologist about their child, they are usually quite worried. In most cases, common problems can be resolved with some work that is relatively simple.
I have a good friend who asked me what it was I did with families and after giving him some examples he concluded that I was paid a lot of money for showing people how to turn their televisions and phones off.
Cheeky
While that sounds slightly cheeky it is true that a lot of the time I do wish I could make people think that common sense approaches were really new ideas.
A question I always like to ask a family at a first visit is, what was it that made them call me. This is a hard question to answer because most of the time people are worried about lots of things that don’t seem right.
Usually one thing makes them think that help is needed. Often answering that one question is key to finding a way forward. When you think about what it is that worries you and when that worry began, you can connect with what happened, how you reacted and what followed.
In most cases, problems do not arise simply because of a problem within the child. Similarly solutions do not reside within the child but within the family unit itself.
Children exist as part of families; they live in communities and go to school. Every child has to learn to negotiate life in the context of many relationships that ultimately shape their thinking and personality.
When you remember that our thinking processes do not mature until adulthood, it is very important that adults provide a scaffold that is right for a child’s age and developmental need.
How a child understands and experiences parental love and their place within a family is critical to understanding how best to help. When a child can name not just the idea of love but real experiences of love and being enjoyed by a parent, you can be sure that they feel very secure and protected within their family unit.
When a child feels safe and knows that a parent can be relied upon, it becomes easier for a child to accept hearing ‘no’, or to be asked to wait or do things differently.
Building security and resilience is a primary task of every parent. Feeling secure and safe in relationships is something we all need to experience throughout our lives. For most of us, our later life bonds are predicted by our childhood attachment styles. Each of us emerges from our environments and the richer that experience is, the more self-reliant we become as adults.
Never take for granted how you spend time with your child. How you are, every day, and not just when you advise or guide them, powerfully influences their development.
The artful use of praise, waiting, reinforcement or ignoring of behaviours all make a difference, of course, but the most wonderful thing you can do for your child is to be predictable and reliable. Parents need to be wise, strong and in control. Inevitably, you make mistakes but this too gives your child the chance to learn from how you repair that and make it good.
In the course of a few articles I want to invite you to explore some ideas that will make you ask yourself questions about how you can best foster resilience and security in your family.
I hope to look at common concerns that are brought to my attention. My emphasis will be on the adult becoming more aware of the importance of getting the right response for the situation.
I will be asking parents to notice how they react when a challenge arises. I strongly believe that awareness really is the beginning of wisdom and we must first become aware of what is happening within ourselves before we can begin to think about what works for change around us.
So, this is not going to be a how to solve it page but a let’s consider how I approach things page.
My aim is to invite parents to think more about how they react before choosing an action and to be more confident in ordinary and simple solutions and to also know when help is needed.
Perhaps a good place to end is by inviting you to think about those things that nurtured you as a child and to remember what that felt like at the time. You might be surprised by what you discover.
Dr Colm Humphries is a guest contributor. He is a clinical psychologist based at Philemon, Maynooth, Co. Kildare.