Parenting Matters
Even psychologists have referral patterns. January and February are the months when I get more behaviour-related questions for children than any other time. Winter must be the explanation. Most of us find it hard going and we are not quite in sight of spring but the distraction of Christmas is well behind us.
Parents are frequently surprised that simple ideas are first proposed before you go at anything directly. I usually make recommendations that are based, firstly, on making sure you have quality time with your children. For example, ensure that there is 10-15 minutes of play on the younger child’s terms or that you have a coffee or shop dates a few times in the week with the older child. I get a kick out of parents coming back a few weeks later with observations that simple things make a difference.
Overlooked
What is often overlooked when considering a behaviour that is a problem for a parent is how you manage yourself when trying to change something you do not like to see.
There is a tendency to locate problems in a child when in fact a behaviour we do not like may have a message the whole family needs to hear.
Except in extreme cases of danger or risk of harm, problem behaviour needs to be understood first before it is resolved. But even harmful behaviour also has to be understood because repeated behaviours never happen for no reason.
The ‘bold’ child is often just giving expression to what the ‘good’ child in the same house keeps under tight control.
Human beings prefer praise to criticism and nobody responds well to being put down. Is it more powerful to complain that a room is half tidied or say a big ‘well done’ for making a start to sorting that room.
There is simply no doubt that if you have a habit of noticing what you like and commenting on it, you will end up seeing more of what you want to see. That is not easy to achieve because criticism comes easier to many of us than praise. You may need to take some time to notice how often you say thank you or comment on what you enjoy in the presence of your children. Do they see you greet people with warmth or thank a shop assistant?
Those simple gestures create an opportunity for positive language that impacts us quite powerfully for the good.
Children also experience more confidence in their parents when there is warmth in interactions that they come to rely on as normal. It doesn’t matter much if, on occasion, you get it wrong.
In fact the great thing about getting it wrong is that it allows your children to see you say sorry and repair what was lacking. Small acts of forgiveness teach valuable life lessons. Adults will always need to say sorry for getting things wrong and if we do not learn that or see it modelled in childhood, it is a tall order to learn it later on.
Research
So much research and literature in psychology affirms the power of positive and warm interactions for ensuring security in attachment. If doing any of this is a challenge for you, seek advice and get some support to help you change that. Don’t leave it to chance.
Some think that positive parenting backfires because there is no experience of strictness.
Correction without warmth feels like punishment. Consequences for misbehaviour should help and not hinder a child’s development.
An advantage to warmth and positive interaction is that it creates a norm that is nurturing. It deepens bonds of trust. Vitally, because you cannot be perfect, a norm of warmth is the default reference that allows your child to accept that sometimes you get it wrong and it is not a disaster.
A norm of warmth also allows your child to more easily accept when you say ‘no’ to something. Learning to accept ‘no’ is essential for development. Children need to learn that growing up so that they can cope with the knock backs that are part of adult life. Parents who do not teach their child how to accept ‘no’ should think about how to do this.
It can be practised easily. Children do not need to have all their choices and preferences met. Sometimes you get stew for dinner when you want chicken nuggets.
Sometimes you go to a café for a snack rather than your favourite diner because it’s yo ur sister’s turn to make a choice. Discomfort that is not a bad news story is good for children to experience and helps train for disappointment that is easily endured.
Take a moment now to ask yourself what works best with your children. Notice your tone of voice.
What do you achieve by shouting or quiet calm and how different is it when you are naturally warm. You may need some help with this so don’t be afraid to ask your partner or friend.
We can learn a lot about what works by taking time to notice what we respond to and how.
Dr Colm Humphries is a clinical psychologist based at Philemon in Maynooth, Co. Kildare.