Wendy GraceCouples who share household duties report greater satisfaction in their relationships,
writes Wendy Grace
Sharing the load is a matter of marital equality, but this doesn’t mean splitting the chores down the middle, it is about coming up with a system that you are both content with. There are two dominant definitions of equality regarding marriage: one biblical, the other societal. One states that man and woman are valued the same, the other suggests man and woman are the same.
According to God’s perfect plan, he created all humans equally valuable, but not all identically designed. He intentionally created male and female, each distinct and unique (Genesis 1:27). So therefore you will have different skills. It is important to cultivate each other’s skill set and find strength in your differences.
Although who will do what chores might be discussed before you get married, while you are planning a wedding it might just be one of those things that falls between two stools.
Marriage is a partnership, you have to run the house and set your priorities together. The starting point is sitting down together and writing down a list of the tasks that need to be done.
Discuss the ones you absolutely hate and you might find it’s just the one the other can tolerate. Make sure you put family member’s names next to the chores and the days or frequency that they have to be done. If you don’t put a system in place you might find yourself getting resentful pretty quickly and those small niggling arguments over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher can turn into full blown chore wars.
Irregular tasks
When making your list sit down and think of the daily, weekly, monthly and irregular tasks that need to be done. For example a weekly task might be taking out the bins, a monthly task might be hoovering the car and an irregular task (that you discuss each month) might be washing the windows. Put someone’s name next to each task. Once your list is updated each week, that is it – no nagging and no finger pointing. At the end of the week review who did what and what didn’t get done and figure out how to improve and support each other.
You might find it difficult to think of them all in one sitting so add to the list over the following days. You have to be realistic and compromise when it comes to the frequency and the standard at which chores are done. You might find you have two totally different ideas on what tidy actually is, but you have to meet somewhere in the middle.
Once you agree then be specific with frequency and the standard you expect. For example you might dust once a week, does that mean under all the books on the shelves or around them?
When dividing up the tasks set them according to what you’re good at. What jobs can you do well and take you less time and effort than your spouse. Also set out the tasks in order of priority. Make sure you also discuss the things that you like doing, for example some people enjoy doing the gardening, while others like cooking.
Compromise
Cleaning the bathroom is hardly something you will be passionate about, ever. When it comes to the things that everybody hates to do, rotate the jobs that you don’t like or tackle them as a team.
When the week is out and you are doing your list for next week, discuss what didn’t get done and why, together.
Naturally if children are playing a part here and they haven’t done their tasks then discipline would have to come into play. There also has to be room for compromise in terms of what is important.
Make sure to look at the jobs that aren’t so necessary, see where you can cut back. Do you really need to cook every night or can you do double batches and freeze portions? Do your clothes have to be hung up colour co-ordinated? (I really hope people don’t actually do that!)
Not every task needs to be done on a regular basis. If you hate ironing, downsize on the clothes that need to be ironed. If cleaning the windows is your idea of your worst nightmare maybe that is one thing you can ask for help from a professional on. Maybe you are both doing too much – what needs to be done? What can be deferred? Or rotate the jobs that you both hate to do. Make sure not to forget that the children can help and be included too.
If you are both working maybe it is time to get some help, even if it is just once every two weeks to do a top to bottom clean of the house.
Make sure you keep talking, be honest about what works for you both. What matters is not how chores are split but that you are both content.
You have to feel like although you might have different chores, you are on the same team and have the same end goal which you will achieve with a strategy you have both agreed on together. There is no ‘right’ answer as to how tasks should be distributed. The important thing is making the effort to discuss and agree on a fair way of running your household.
It is really important that you appreciate the work that your spouse and other family members do. Verbalise and show your appreciation, this will solidify your sense of being on the same team. Individually we work selflessly, we don’t do it for the thanks but it is nice to get it.
Be each other’s biggest cheerleaders and the tasks will be easier. Sometimes we have to share the load, we need to know when our spouse is having a long or tough day.
Tackle the chores they usually do, and show your love by saying, I will do that today. These chores don’t need to be set in stone; as your life changes your marriage will also change, perhaps there is a baby on the way or one of you is working overtime.
This is the time to serve and to pull your weight for the other person.
You might be reading this and thinking, this is a trivial topic, as I did. I have to admit that after two years of marriage, I had not made my list, or discussed running the house in detail. However, after putting together this article our list is firmly on the wall and I will be practicing what I preach! So whether you are married two months, two years or 20 years it is never too late to make changes.
A recent study of 900 families from Georgia State University was one of many I came across that showed sharing the load was of huge benefit to your marriage. The couples who shared household duties reported greater satisfaction in their relationships both physically and emotionally.
Another interesting study was a 2007 Pew Research Poll which showed that sharing the household chores was in the top three highest-ranking issues associated with a successful marriage. These were some of the many studies I came across, which highlighted the importance of having a system to run your house.
What sometimes might seem like a burden can actually be a real blessing in your marriage, a really opportunity to show selfless love and strengthen your relationship. It will allow you to show love in all things, even taking out the bins!