Shedding light – not heat

Wendy Grace considers how we can disagree in better ways

We are currently living in a world where in many areas such as college campuses there is a crisis of free speech. The explosion of ‘safe spaces’ shows what happens when censorship and an obsession with being ‘politically correct’ can lead. Surely universities, of all places, are places where ideas can be discussed, where we can disagree with someone, argue with them and then make up our own minds.

Debates have been called off and speakers cancelled because they were deemed too contentious. The best way to counter extremism is through open discussion. There is one argument that some discussions are divisive, are extreme or intolerant and can be used to whip up hate, but should we undermine free speech or encourage hearing both sides – challenging one another through civil and respectful debate?

Here in Ireland ‘hot button’ issues like that in the Marriage Referendum show how intolerant many are to opinions that go against the perceived popular culture, with many during the referendum campaign clearly afraid to express an opinion if they were on the fence or leaning toward a ‘no’ vote.

‘Hate speech’

Under the banner of tackling ‘hate speech’, people are being punished for their moral convictions. So often these genuine moral convictions are side-lined simply because the liberal elite in media and politics only behave in a ‘liberal’ way as long as you are agreeing with them.

So what can we do? Well, firstly, we can learn to respectfully disagree with someone, whatever our convictions or views are, even on the most sensitive of issues. We have to remember that our faith teaches us to love one another. This is not just about being tolerant; it means listening and engaging and realising that the other person can also be coming from a sincerely held viewpoint. From this understanding, we need to argue for solutions that is best for everyone, solutions that extend beyond ourselves and our own self-interest.

Is your view about yourself? Or is it about the common good?

Stick to the issue and avoid personal attack.

The discussion is not about the other person – it is about their point of view on a particular subject. Don’t put your ‘head in the sand’ when you disagree: challenge ideas, and make sure you’re fully informed on your standpoint.

Stop and take a breath – you need to be able to take control of the emotional response you might feel to someone’s behaviour or words. Remember how you react is your choice. A calm, measured response always works best. If you are not calm, things will get heated and often emotional and personal and you will not achieve anything. In fact, quite the reverse happens as a natural defence mechanism will harden their position.

Make sure to speak your own mind and don’t speak for the other person by criticising them. You need to share your opinions without any expectations, if you enter into a conversation hoping to change someone’s mind there and then, if that doesn’t happen your frustration will show. It is important to note if the other person is attacking you or not being respectful of you, it is time to walk away, you will not achieve anything with this person. Tell them you are happy to talk at another time when emotions are not running so high.

You need to be able to put yourself into the other person’s shoes. What is the reason for their belief which is honestly held? You will be surprised how often the thing that motivates them is something that you can relate to, such as concern for and empathy for an individual, or a desire for justice. How can you relate to them and begin to see their point of view?

Find common ground with the other person and go from there. In order to do this you have to strive to make a meaningful connection, which means listening properly and not just waiting to jump in with your next point. It means making eye contact and, if appropriate, making a physical connection such as reaching out to an arm, or in a close friendship situation offering a hug.

Ask yourself are you actively listening to what the other person has to say or are you just waiting for your chance to speak? God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. When you have made a statement you have to give the other person time and space to do the same.

The principle of active listening means facing the other person, restraining yourself from interrupting them and letting them know that you are paying attention with cues such as nodding, or encouraging them by asking questions.

Values

It is after you do this you really need to reflect on what the other person has said; it might help for you to restate some of the points they have just made. Here you will start to find shared values and you can begin your rebuttal from there.

Ask genuine questions of the other person, instead of being negative and losing your temper.

The first thing you should be aiming to do is seeking to understand why they feel what they feel, once you have some understanding of this you can figure out how better to get the other person to also understand your point of view. The more time you spend trying to understand the other person the better you can craft your own response.

Discussion

Remember in your discussion don’t try to ‘win’ an argument. Often you might feel you have won because perhaps you have made an intellectually superior point, or belittled the other person’s argument, but what have you actually achieved? Are they closer to understanding your point of view? Do they want to know more? Have you planted the seed of an idea that can grow? If you are trying to ‘beat’ the other person, you might win the battle but you will have lost the war.

Remember that generally if you are discussing a hot topic issue with someone who has a diametrically opposed view to you, it is unlikely that there and then you will change their mind. You need to have the discussion without any expectations. If the other person can walk away from the conversation having food for thought, or learning something new, then you have done a good job. Your aim should be to enlighten the person with some new insights that they have not heard or properly understood before. It shouldn’t be an argument but a conversation; if you are on a ‘soapbox’ you need to get off it, you won’t achieve anything up there, get down and start to see the other person eye to eye.

Approach

Jesus also tells us to treat others as we would like to be treated. You have to take stock during your discussion. Ask yourself are you doing this? Are you taking an approach that you would like, are you being respectful, or are you ramming your opinions down the other person’s throat? Are your reminding yourself that you might not like the other person’s opinion but remembering that their opinion is distinctly separate from the person themselves.

So what if the discussion is going around in circles and is not going to end any time soon? Sometimes at that particular time you have to agree to disagree – you may not have reached a point of understanding on this occasion, but perhaps another time you will be able to talk again.

Remember it takes courage to disagree, try to walk away at least letting the other person know that they have helped you to understand their point of view better. It is your responsibility if there are particular topics that are important to you to gather as much reliable information as possible to educate yourself so you can have informed conversations.

Often when certain issues are topical we know they will come up, we need to prepare ourselves well, and always ask the Holy Spirit to guide our contributions, asking him to guide our words, thoughts and actions towards the other person. If you know that a difficult conversation is going to happen in advance always pray about it beforehand and ask God for his wisdom and guidance.