Some men are toxic but masculinity in general is not

Men ought to call out one another’s misogyny, according to Taoiseach Simon Harris. Speaking in the Dail last week on the topic of male violence against women, he remarked: “It is incumbent on men to take leadership positions and not allow the worst of us to speak for the rest of us”.

He added: “Every time we see or hear misogynistic behaviour or commentary, we need to call it out. Do not stay silent. Silence can be perceived as agreement.”

The Taoiseach made his comments during a debate in the Dail prompted by recent high-profile cases of violence against women.

These cases have brought back to the fore discussion of so-called ‘toxic masculinity’, that is, male behaviour that is bullying, entitled, sexist and sometimes violent. Everyone can agree that the foregoing list of behaviour is toxic by any reckoning.

But sometimes the discussion about ‘toxic masculinity’ goes much further afield to take in male behaviour, or expectations about male behaviour, that few could reasonably call ‘toxic’.

For example, in 2021 in ‘Psychology Today’, one of the leading magazines in its field, a writer set out certain social norms that he believes are behind “toxic masculinity”.

These include: “A man should suffer physical and emotional pain in silence; A man shouldn’t seek warmth, comfort, or tenderness; A man should only have the emotions of bravery and anger. Any other emotions are weaknesses. Weakness is unacceptable; a man shouldn’t depend on anyone; asking for help is also weak; a man should always want to win, whether in sports, work, relationships, or sex.”

Behaviour

Some of the behaviours listed above are merely forms of stoicism, that is, the ability to accept life’s challenges without complaint. There are also plenty of stoical women.

But the writer of that article seems to have in mind mainly what used to be called ‘the strong, silent type’, that is, the sort of man you could rely on in a crisis, a man able to control his emotions and make good decisions under pressure. Men like that would be slow to show weakness because then people might lose faith in them and in their ability to handle tough situations. There is nothing wrong with this and much that is commendable, and there is nothing wrong with a man being competitive, so long as he is also fair in how he goes about winning.

There is a reason that so few romantic male heroes from the novels cry a lot, are bad under pressure and lack ambition; women are generally not attracted to such men.

So, we must be careful not to categorise all stereotypically male behaviour as “toxic” or else suspect. If men in general are naturally competitive, why would you tell them to act against their own natures?

We simply want these traits to be properly and constructively channelled, while also targeting behaviour that is genuinely toxic”

We are in fairly deep waters here, admittedly, because nowadays it is controversial to say there is typically male or female behaviour. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that male and female behaviour is all learnt, and that there is no innately male or female nature as such. Therefore, the only reason men are often very competitive, or more drawn to physical risk-taking, or to working with objects like machines, as opposed to with people, is because of how we raised and shaped by social expectations.

But do we really want to live in a world where male competitiveness and risk-taking is discouraged? No, we simply want these traits to be properly and constructively channelled, while also targeting behaviour that is genuinely toxic, above all bullying of any kind, and especially anything involving violence.

By stigmatising stereotypically male behaviour, we will simply alienate men and especially young men, who are still finding their feet in society and are seeking positive male role models, who are often simply absent.

One reason why the Canadian psychologist and commentator Jordan Peterson is so popular with young men is because he tells them that typically male behaviour is not toxic in itself, but he also tells them that they need to grow up and take responsibility for their lives and to behave well towards other people.

The main reason he is so controversial in certain circles is because he attacks forms of feminism that do appear to stigmatise stereotypically male behaviour and stray into a reverse form of sexism.

It is also far better that young men looking for a bit of direction in life turn to the likes of Peterson than to someone like Andrew Tate, the social media influencer, who does encourage the worst and most sexist behaviour in men. (Tate is currently under investigation for human trafficking and rape).

Relationships

But is male behaviour getting better or worse toward women, generally speaking? Are men more sexist or less so than in the past? Are they more likely to abuse a woman, sexually or physically, or less so?

It is probably the case that men are less sexist and more willing to treat women as equals than once upon a time.

But the rise of ‘no-strings attached sex’ from the 1960s on means that men are almost certainly more likely to see women in purely transactional terms from a sexual point of view because they don’t have to be a relationship with a woman, much less married to her, in order to have sex with her. Women can also view sex in purely transactional terms (that is, detached from the emotions), but men appear more likely than women to approach sex in this way.

In turn, this helps explains why a lot of women feel disrespected after casual sex even where there is full and proper consent, and certainly the high number of abortions does not speak of a culture in which there are good relations across the board between the sexes.

Men and women must treat each other as equals. That ought to go without saying. They must respect each other and never regard another person as a means to an end”

The sheer prevalence of hard-core porn can’t be helping either. Has any man ever come away from watching porn with a greater sense of respect towards women afterwards?

Men and women must treat each other as equals. That ought to go without saying. They must respect each other and never regard another person as a means to an end. To put it even more simply, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’.

Simon Harris is correct to say that men should call out genuinely toxic behaviour in one another, but men in general should not be demonised and nor should most of the stereotypically male traits of the sort listed in that Psychology Today article.