Wendy Grace
Q: My two sons have had a falling out and are no longer talking. They usually both bring their families to our house for Christmas Day dinner. This year my wife and I are facing the devastating prospect of having no grandchildren here for Christmas day. We have already tried to get them talking, as have their wives, but they are both stubborn. What can we do?
A: Without knowing exactly the reason and the severity of the argument, it is hard to know how long will be needed for healing to take place. Is there one sibling that might be more likely to apologise, can you reach out to him again? Write a personalised handwritten letter to both of your children, explaining how important a reconciliation is for you and the whole family. Give it some time for the hurt and dust to settle. Then after this step, hopefully, you can try to bring them together to talk.
If you are going to act as a mediator, it is important that you don’t take sides, or come into the discussion with an opinion. If you can’t be neutral perhaps there is another family member that could mediate.
With this initial discussion, have reasonable expectations. It may not be realistic that things will just go back to the way they were, but a starting point is Christmas together, being civil, enjoying the day and ensuring the children have a nice time and, little by little, earning one another’s trust again. They may not be friends straight away but can they find a middle ground?
Possibility
This is about showing the possibility of rebuilding their relationship once more, even if it is not perfect, and putting their children ahead of their own disagreements.
Sadly, around one-third of people say that relationships with some of their siblings are distant, using words like “competitive” or “hurtful” to depict their childhoods. As we get older maintaining the closeness, that perhaps once existed, takes hard work.
The speed at which old conflicts can reduce your adult sons into children again might be preventing them from moving forward. They are ‘pushing each other’s buttons’ without even realising it they have re-entered their childhood roles, that may have been fraught in the first place.
This isn’t necessarily about creating agreement on whatever the issue is, but helping your sons to understand the others’ point of view. Often it can happen that a response, in the present, is connected to something from their past. Even though they grew up together, they are now adults spending lots of time apart. Is the issue something that is really current or is it a battle between their 12-year-old selves?
Sometimes letting go of the past is the best way to encourage better sibling relationships into the future. The roles they have assumed are the product of years of practice, but you can’t make your sons change their behaviour.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a simple solution. Ultimately, your sons have to make the choice to talk once again, but you can be the one to encourage this situation to come about.