Courtney McGrailJohn Reid explores the challenges of Christmas as experienced by more and more people
John Reid
For most of us, Christmas is a wonderful time of the year. It is, of course, when we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and a time when the coldness of the temperature can be more than compensated by the warmth of family and gifts. But it isn’t all plain-sailing, and can be a time when long-buried family tensions rise to the surface.
Such is the anticipation of Christmas, it is easy to expect too much of the festival; to feel that unless we ensure this year’s Christmas lives up to the Hollywood version of the holiday then it is a failure.
People forget that the stress and expectation surrounding Christmas does not provide the most conducive environment for tackling long-standing and sensitive issues which often require much patience, serenity, prayer and imagination to solve.
For example, some families approach Christmas with a sense of dread because it may mean spending an extended amount of time cooped-up in a single house with siblings or parents whom they have not spent much time with during the year. It may also involve spending time with family members with whom they do not get on well with or with whom they have underlying, unresolved issues.
According to UCD and Mater Hospital psychiatrist Prof. Patricia Casey, “people idealise Christmas and they have all kinds of expectations, and then when it doesn’t live up to it people become dispirited and irritable, disappointed and all of those kinds of things”.
Stresses
Prof. Casey warns the optimum way to prepare for Christmas is to have realistic expectations and remember that people “should go into Christmas not with the cosy images from the TV ads, but instead with the understanding that you are going to be with your family with the usual stresses and strains that you would have at any time with family.
“There is nothing unique about Christmas that is going to protect you,” she says.
In term of strategies to deal with potentially stressful family situations at Christmas, Prof. Casey advises people to ensure they set aside some time away from their family over the festive period. “Get out of the house, go for walks; meet up with friends, the same as you would if you were back on an ordinary holiday at home.”
Christmas can sometimes be seen as another legitimate excuse to over-indulge in alcohol. Prof. Casey warns that the role of alcohol is often not talked about, but if people are drinking more than usual at Christmas, there could be the irritability and the emotions alcohol can induce such as low mood, irritability, anger, anxiety, feeling rotten after a hangover – people just won't feel too well – all of those kinds of things.”
While alcohol is a traditional facilitator of merriment and good mood when taken in moderation, it is important that people "just take care with alcohol and remember, be aware, that it does cause emotional symptoms, and so if you are drinking a lot they might come to the fore as well.”
Arguments
Other things people might not always consider when seeking to head-off irritability and arguments at Christmas can include food intake. “Watching your food intake is important as well. While people will eat good food at Christmas, a lot of people will combine good food with rubbish and will just feel unwell having eaten enough of chocolate and Christmas pudding and stuff,” Prof. Casey says, advising that watching your diet and exercise over the festive period is a good idea.
Most crucially, however, with regard to the issues that can cause the most anxiety and hurt within a family, Prof. Casey cautions: “If there are difficulties and tensions within a family, Christmas may not be the best time to solve them because people have these unrealistic expectations… people, particularly mothers, are busy preparing for Christmas and then the effects of alcohol will make it maybe more difficult to solve those intricacies than at other times of the year.
“So, I don't think that Christmas is necessarily the best time for this.”
Opportunity
Using Christmas as an opportunity to solve such long-standing issues places a far greater pressure to ensure Christmas will somehow provide the miracle to restore harmony, she says. “While Christmas is a time for peace and joy and people should make up, it may not happen and it may be unrealistic depending on the nature of the problem to expect that such issues will be solved at Christmas,” Prof Casey says.
It is a good idea, she suggests, to focus on the positive things in relationships, “rather than try to solve negatives”.
Another key to surviving Christmas is to be aware of what might come after Christmas is over. “People also are vulnerable after Christmas, particularly people maybe whose lives are a bit empty and who invest a lot emotionally in Christmas,” Prof Casey says, adding, “When Christmas is over they often feel a bit let down and deflated, empty."
Noting that “there are some studies suggesting that over-dosing is more common at that time among women, because having invested a lot in Christmas there's emptiness now after Christmas”, Prof Casey stresses that the way to head off these feelings is "not to over-invest emotionally in Christmas."
In terms of how couples prepare for the Yuletide season, Eamon Casey, a counsellor with Accord, the Catholic marriage counselling service, cautions that “unresolved or unspoken problems of communication and conflict frequently come to the surface over the Christmas holiday period. Tensions that have been simmering under the surface in relationships are given expression through stress, frustration, distress, exhaustion, anger, disappointment or lack of consultation on decisions made.”
Sometimes the indoor lifestyle over Christmas can lead to one spouse not giving the other enough breathing space and vice-versa. Sometimes also, “in-laws or friends invited only by one partner, who come for Christmas dinner, extend their stay causing resentment within the relationship.”
Accord suggests that the following exercise can be very helpful to couples as they prepare for the demands of Christmas:
- outline to your partner how you would like to spend this Christmas season;
- allow your partner to repeat the exercise with you;
- discuss the issues which you want to do together and how you can prioritise time for one another;
- discuss the areas you both feel would be intrusive and unwelcome to the enjoyment of a loving Christmas, and plan together to manage such potential situations.
Expectations
Christmas can also involve separated families having to spend time together. When children are involved this can be a recipe for conflict and a time when the necessity to plan accordingly will be particularly important.
Relationship counsellor and therapist Dr Colm Humphries says “if there are difficulties in a family, it's very important that people remind themselves that that is the case and that Christmas is not going to change that. People have to be realistic about their expectations.
"Where there is conflict, and where there are children involved, people need to be clear with each other about that conflict and to take really great care that they make sure that they do not expose their children to that conflict,” he continues.
“Where children are aware of conflict, it's very important for parents to say ‘yes, mum and dad are having a hard time being nice to each other and we're really sorry about that but it's our job to put that right, and for Christmas we're going to do our absolute best to make sure that we have a nice time together but we're not pretending that things between us are as happy as we'd like them to be’.
"If kids are aware of conflict,” he says, “parents need to be direct with them about it, otherwise you get this situation where children become responsible for keeping everything nice and because children tend to take on responsibility for adults' behaviour very easily.
“It is very important that parents make sure that the kids know that it is our job as parents to sort this out. It's your job to be kids and it's our job to mind you.”
Dr Humphries points out that "when people are emotionally in turmoil, they communicate blame unintentionally, and because children are children and don't have that ability to think through what they think or why things happen, children then make it their job often to either put it right, so that they work really, really hard at being nice and being well-behaved, etc., and the stress that puts on kids is huge."
In summation, Dr Humphries says parents in these situations should be aware of their difficulties, make sure that their children know it is not their job to fix it. “Finally,” he says, “be very clear about what you agree on with regard to your children. Unless you can agree that your children's happiness is something you can share together, don't put your family through the torture of spending time together…that is disastrous!
“If you can only manage to be together, civilly, for an hour, well, leave it at that! Know your limitations, don't make a big deal of the Christmas arrangements, sit down together and plan the buying and exchange of presents, etc.,” he says, suggesting areas predictable conflict areas be managed in advance.
Following these pieces of advice can surely help families towards their goal of a peaceful and merry Christmas.