The Greatest Catholic Jokes of all Time

With Pope Francis meeting Comedian’s from around the world tomorrow, we thought it was a good time, to dust off the old joke books, tickle the funny bones and present our list of ten of the greatest Catholic jokes of all time.

• Jesus asked God, “Where have you been these past 4 years?” God replied, “In Ireland.” Jesus was shocked by His Father’s reply and replied, “The world has been wracked with war, there’s been a terrible pandemic, and you have been in Ireland? Please Father, what have you been doing?” God leaned over and kindly whispered, “Working from home Son, working from home.”

• What did the taxidermist say in Confession? “Bless me Father, for I have skinned.”

• Father Sullivan’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. “Mrs. O’Malley, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any.” “Mrs. O’Malley, that is very unusual. Please tell the congregation how a person cannot have a single enemy in the world?” Mrs. O’Malley replied, “I’m ninety-three-years-old and I outlived every one of those witches.”

• Why can’t muggers catch Catholics during Lent? They fast.

• A journalist asked Blessed John XXIII (Pope from 1958 – 1963) how many people work in the Vatican. The pope paused, thought for a bit and replied, “About half of them.”

• One Sunday, Fr O’Malley was preaching against the evils of alcohol when he added a visual demonstration to his fire and brimstone lecture. He filled a glass with whiskey into which he dropped a wiggling worm. The worm quickly stopped moving and died. The preacher asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?” “Father,” said Paddy, “I learned that if you drink whiskey, you will not have worms.”

• What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

• What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

• How can a Catholic get out of jail? Christian Bale

• A priest a nun and a rabbit go into a bar, the barman asks the rabbit what he is drinking, the rabbit says ‘oh don’t mind me I’m here because of autocorrect’.

• A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The pastor said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, baptised them, confirmed them, and now they only come around at Christmas.