Campanile of Trinity College Dublin. I still put barriers up in my soul to God, and He keeps breaking them down, says Ciarán Heelan
I don’t think there was ever a time in my life when I didn’t believe in God, not truly. My story is more about how I placed limits and barriers in different areas of my life – areas where God wasn’t allowed to enter. Over time, this became a journey of breaking down (and sometimes uncovering) those barriers together with Him.
I was born and raised in Dublin, and Catholicism has been a part of my life from the very beginning. When I began to practice my faith seriously, I used to divide my life into a simple ‘before’ and ‘after’ – a time when I wasn’t really a Christian, and then a time when I was. But looking back now, I realise this view was oversimplified. People who knew me back then would describe me as unusually religious for my age. So, what changed?
I think what changed for me was that, for most of my life, my religion was the one of the mainstream Church in 21st-century Ireland. I deliberately use the word ‘religion’ here, rather than ‘faith’ or ‘relationship with Jesus’, because that’s what it was. It was a set of practices, and little more. Like many Irish Christians at the time, I was willing to let God into certain aspects of my life, but always on my terms. I was determined to be the one in control of the relationship, not Him.
Now that I have come to Him, I still face those same struggles”
This began to change in 2020. I was halfway through my undergraduate degree at Trinity when the world went into lockdown. So, when I saw that the Trinity Catholic Society (the Laurentians) was hosting a Bible study on Zoom, I thought, ‘Well, I’m Catholic, I’ll join that.
That turned out to be a turning point. The Laurentians were the first group of Christians my age that I’d ever met who weren’t awkward, strange, or judgmental. They talked about Jesus as if He were a real person who mattered in their lives, not the distant, abstract figure I’d known from my parish church growing up. Just as importantly, the literature they recommended to me (particularly CS Lewis) challenged the half-life I’d been living. It forced me to decide whether I was truly willing to give my life to Jesus, instead of pretending I could follow Him on my own terms.
My testimony isn’t as exciting or dramatic as others. There were no issues with drug abuse, no time spent in prison, and there wasn’t even really a ‘come-to-Jesus’ moment. It was a slow, gradual process that took about two or three years before I could honestly say that Jesus was the cornerstone of my life, rather than just a part of it.
It also feels different to me because some people talk about how they were miserable before they knew Jesus, and now they’re full of joy all the time. My conversion wasn’t like that. I frequently struggled with depression and anxiety before coming to Jesus, and now that I have come to Him, I still face those same struggles. The clear and beautiful vocation story I had been praying for took an unexpected turn, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath of that, months later. I continue to face difficulties in my life, and there are days when bearing the cross Jesus has asked me to carry feels incredibly hard. I backslide, I get angry with God, I break down in pain and frustration, and sometimes I wonder if He is truly on my side or why I’m even doing any of this.
Value
Was it worth it? I think so. The difference between my ‘before’ and ‘after’ is that no matter how hard life can be sometimes, God exists. Jesus is the Truth, and any existence not rooted in truth will inevitably crumble when it faces reality (as any lie eventually will). Reality can be painfully difficult at times, but it’s only by confronting reality, rather than living in our own illusions, that we can truly address the problems we face – and offer up the ones we cannot fix to someone who can. God didn’t wave a magic wand to make all my problems disappear, but He did provide me with teaching, structure, and often the infusions of supernatural grace I needed to get through each day.
So, what changed after I came to Jesus? All I can do is return to the beginning. I still put barriers up in my soul to God, and He keeps breaking them down. Sometimes I put them back up again, but God, in His patience, always knocks them down once more. That said, I believe there are fewer barriers now than when I started, and that gives me some grounds for hope.