Mary Kenny
“Contentment, I think, is a gift and an occasion for gratitude”, writes Mary Kenny
What is the secret of happiness? Many books have been written in its pursuit. My Edwardian mother-in-law used to say “disposition”, and this may well be a key. Alexander Pope said as much in his Essay on Man, comparing a rich and a poor man of different personalities: “One flaunts in rags/one flutters in brocade.”
But a certain insight did come to me earlier this week as I talked to an old friend, whom I’ll call Laura, to respect her privacy. Laura is slim, chic, has no money worries, and, like myself is a widow of senior years. She lives in a lovely house, and has a grown-up family who seem successful. She has plenty to occupy her and never lacks for the company of pleasant older men willing to squire her to glittering places. She goes to smart restaurants and knows many famous, influential and indeed rich people.
She is a very nice person, but also an anxious person. Life seems to cause her existential crises. “What am I doing? Why am I here? What’s the point of it all? Where am I going?”
My lifestyle is rather different. I seldom mix with famous or rich people. I struggle with weight problems, live on a budget and would probably prefer to go to a good movie alone than be squired by some distinguished old chap to a posh gala. My cluttered home would benefit from some redecoration and maintenance.
We all have worries and anxieties – and in old age, regrets. But I don’t suffer from existential crises. I start the day with the serenity prayer asking for acceptance, courage and wisdom, and end it with gratitude. And that settles the existentialism.
It would be wrong to boast about finding happiness, for our happiness can be shattered in a moment by a tragic accident, bad luck, or even the weather, when it brings such catastrophes as floods. But I think I have found one of the secrets of contentment – and I suppose it’s an old formula: accept, don’t strive to compete with others, and don’t be anxious about keeping up with worldly status. Where possible, live simply.
Laura’s life is indeed glamorous – but the competitive milieu of worldly success is also a source of stress. Always having to look elegant; always having to be on form. Once, I would have envied life among the glitterati, but now I know how nerve-wracking such company can be.
Happiness cannot be pursued: sometimes it may occur – it’s then called serendipity. But contentment can be aspired to, and contentment, I think, is a gift and an occasion for gratitude. I feel grateful to be able to say that I am basically content with my lot, and that’s really rather wonderful.
British family law facing a shake-up
Two English sisters in their 50s, Catherine and Ginda (Virginia) Utley are in the process of challenging British law on the issue of same-sex civil unions. Catherine and Ginda live together, and have together raised Catherine’s daughter, Livvy. The women believe that sisters, or any other two family relations who live together, are discriminated against in law.
Two unrelated persons of the same sex can form a civil union (or get married), and this brings tax benefits. But this is unfair to two persons who share kinship. If one of the Utley sisters dies, the surviving sister would be left with a tax bill of around £100,000 on their Victorian house in Battersea, south London. If they were ‘married’, or had a civil union, one could transfer property to the other without a tax penalty. Unfair.
I have known Ginda and Catherine for some years, and they are terrific gals, very lively, funny and devout Anglo-Catholics. Their father, Peter (known as ‘T.E. Utley’) was an accomplished political writer who much influenced Margaret Thatcher. Peter Utley was also blind, a handicap which he overcame with impressive grace.
Catherine became a single mother unexpectedly in 1994, and though at first dismayed, was immediately supported by her sister, who moved in to help her. They raised Catherine’s daughter together and Livvy regards her mother and her aunt as virtual co-parents. All three now share the family household.
A fascinating example of a ‘reconstituted’ family, which occurred by accident and natural attachment. But if the Utley sisters succeed in their challenge and it is ruled that civil unions discriminate against same-sex couples who are not in a sexual relationship, it could shake up British family law considerably.
A stunning moment of history
Catholic Vespers at Henry VIII’s Hampton Court on February 9 will surely be a stunning moment of history. It was the backdrop to England’s break with Rome in the 1530s, and all that followed, with the stripping of the altars and the destruction of the monasteries. And now, a sung Latin Catholic service: how beautiful.