For years I never paid much attention to the growing narrative around childfree couples – and more visibly – childfree women. I was living my life and hadn’t really got that call to have children. I am still suspicious of whether men ever really get the call the way women do. It is rare that a man choosing to be childfree is considered newsworthy. My wife certainly felt the calling and it was not easy for her nor for us as a couple. I was on the verge of assuming it would never happen. But it did. 18 months ago to the day as I write this, our brilliant daughter was born.
My life was changed in an instant. Not just my life but how I thought of my life. To be flippant, it was like getting a George Foreman grill. I didn’t know how much I would like it and now I would never give it up. I don’t know what I would do if she was not in our lives. The song goes ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone’. For children it is more like ‘You don’t know what you’ve not got till its here’.
Struggling
For the years where we were struggling, it was difficult to hear of other friends and family who were having children. Some were married and nine months to the day later, a little baby arrived. But that is life. Other people’s happiness and good fortune can hurt but there is nothing you can do about it. We tried not to be envious but to be honest we were. But you can’t hide away from the world or expect other people to censor their good news because of how it might make us feel.
This is why I find the recent phenomenon of never-ending celebration of the childless-by-choice couples – both men and women – to be tone deaf to people who struggle with the sadness of infertility.
I wonder do the editors, the authors, and the self-publicising never-to-be-parents give any consideration to the couples, the women, who are trying to deal with the fact that they may never be able to be parents despite it being the deepest desire of their hearts?
Twenty – maybe forty – years ago announcing to the public that one did not wish ever to be a parent and had made that lifestyle decision by free choice was possibly brave, dealing with the reactions of family and friends at a time when having families – and large families – was seen as the default position.
Reported on the BBC, Caroline Mitchell always knew she never wanted children, she wasn’t prepared for how hard reaching “child-bearing age” would be … she had not anticipated the barrage of personal questions she would face as friends and acquaintances started to have children.
“I have felt like a freak because of it.”
“I feel like my perspective and my experience is just not acceptable.”
“You realise how you’re quite excluded from a lot of life,” she said.
“It’s really hard for me to meet people, because it’s all about the women you meet at the school gates or the writing clubs for mums.”
There is no reason at all not to take her at face value. But in Bristol where she is from, Bristol Childfree Women exists as a social group with more than 500 members. It is not as isolating as it used to be. It is certainly not as isolating as the journey of infertility. Plus, Caroline, like others, is pleased to state that she is “100% certain” and “very comfortable” in her decision (which the BBC calls her ‘identity’.)
More than half (50.1%) of women in England and Wales born in 1990 were without a child when they turned 30 in 2020. Research by the Pew Centre says 57% of adults under 50 who say they’re unlikely to ever have kids say a major reason is they just don’t want to; 31% of those ages 50 and older without kids cite this as a reason they never had them.
Outlier
Choosing to be childless is not the outlier it used to be, yet it continues to be presented as newsworthy. This is at the same time as an increasing number of couples who desire to be parents are struggling. It may not be the intention, but it is certainly hurtful. ‘Look. Here is my choice. I chose not to do something you so desperately want. I have what I want but I am exposed to societal norms that make me feel bad.’
Now, as times change, the reality is truly the opposite. Parents struggling to have children, whose choice is denied by nature, misfortune and sometimes poor life decisions (often attributable to the male delaying growing up – mea culpa) are the ones who have to endure happy families and newborn babies all around them at the same time as being hit with the hardluck stories of adults who choose to be childless and seek validation.
The Irish Times speaks to one woman who claims the fear of motherhood and its shackles is far beyond any fear felt by first-time mothers.
“This fear was an existential warning within these women’s systems saying motherhood is not the right path for me, I will lose my life if I become a mother. I will lose my identity if I become a mother. There is nothing to gain at the end of this for me. It’s not that common story of natural fear of first-time mothers and then the baby being the reward that changes their life. That’s not how these women felt about motherhood,”
I am not sure how it is possible to compare the feelings to claim one is ‘far beyond’ the other. The narrative of the put-upon childless adult in a society apparently directed towards parenthood continues to gain traction as the reality has moved in the opposite direction.
Replacement
Fertility rates continue to drop below replacement level across the ‘western’ world. Growing numbers of adults/couples are choosing not to have children at all. It is not just that family size is reducing but more couples are choosing not have children. Governments are not doing a lot to stop it and those that are trying, are still failing.
It is no longer brave to speak out about how difficult it is to be an outlier. It is no longer avant garde. Choosing to be childless is no longer an oddity. People who make that choice are supported by society. They are supported by government policy that does the minimal in supporting parents who have children: childcare options are limited; tax-breaks are limited; tax individualisation forces parents into the workforce.
Society is very much directed towards the working individual. Cultural norms have shifted significantly as well. Larger families are looked upon with much more suspicion than childless families. Restaurants and such spaces are designed for couples by default rather than families. The noise and furore of children is frowned upon.
The fear of no motherhood is far beyond the fear of motherhood”
Now we are where we are, it would be a kindness for adults struggling to become parents, not to have to listen to other adults saying how difficult their choice not to have children has been. The latter have what they wished for. Society supports it. Some people do not have what they wish for most in the world. A little more self-awareness and consideration of how that narrative impacts want-to-be parents would be welcome.
To paraphrase the Irish Times above, the fear of no motherhood is far beyond the fear of motherhood. The pain of childless couples deserves some sensitivity from those who are childfree by design, and should trump the need for self-validation for choices that are now fairly standard in modern society.